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We’re almost into August. The July heat is still lingering, the big blockbusters have come and gone and summer is beginning to wane. It’s not quite a No Man’s Land of cinema---there’s still plenty to behold--but man we’re getting close. This week we’re Rekall-ing our terrible time in middle school.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Ah Rekall, the place dreams are made. Who wouldn’t mind (pun intended) a little pop in to the ol’ corner memory store for a quick reboot on life? Want to be a secret agent? Game for a threesome? It’s all up for grabs. Rekall is kind of like Vegas (or probably actually like Thailand) in that everything you get into there, hopefully, just stays a gazillion miles from home. Not likely, but a guy like Doug Quaid can wish huh?
Rebooting Total Recall (80%) seems an odd choice until you discover the original and “remake” are linked in name and mind-control technology only. This one’s got no Mars, no Arnie and only a quick no-peeky reference to triple boobs. Where’s my Sharon Stone, midget hooker and the old anti-sixpack Kuato? This ain’t Total Recall, it’s a high priced knockoff.
Len Wiseman (Live Free of Die Hard-82%, Underworld-31%) is taking a fanboy hit and going for the gusto with Colin Farrell and Jessica Biel. Dude’s got triple balls for sure, and while I don’t think he’ll touch on the sheer “What the [email protected]#$?!”-ed ness of the original, judging by the intensity of the trailer, he might have made an entertaining flick. We know he’s got it in him. I don’t think it becomes a critical darling by any stretch of the umm, imagination, but it won’t tank. This one’s a lock. The Rotten Watch for Total Recall is
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
Contrary to popular Somerset Middle School rumors, circa 1991, Doug Norrie was no wimp. Don’t believe what they told you. I held my own. Sort of. No wimpy kids hanging around these parts.
The problem with a franchise like this, and why this’ll very likely be the last one with the current set of actors, is casting a pre-tween-ish flick means the cast of characters eventually hits puberty and BAM can longer be considered “kids”. Zachary Gordon, playing Greg Heffley, already looks like he could start as backup running back for the varsity football team. Not a great sign for a franchise about a kid who gets picked on and has everything going wrong for him. What’s going to happen with the next film? He’s buying beer for everyone involved.
David Bowers (Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules-47%, Astro Boy-50%) directs his second Wimpy Kid and the chances of critical success aren’t great. The first two (Diary of a Wimpy Kid-53%) flicks were right around where one would expect depthless book adaptations to fall, nothing too high, nothing too low. but this model ain’t sustainable. Critics, without artistic motivation otherwise, will grow tired of the same old, same old. I foresee a significant dip in critical opinion from here on out, or at least until they reboot the main character. The Rotten Watch for Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days is
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?
Recapping last week:
Well, here we go. I’ll start with the worst first. The Watch (Predicted: 56% Actual: 14%) was an epic swing and a miss. Part of this stemmed from me becoming overly enamored with the Red Band trailer. I thought it touched on all of the dirty cheap laughs a flick like Old School weaved into its central lifeblood. I was obviously wrong about that. Like, really, really wrong. It happens, but I will say sub 15% seems a little suspect. Could it really be that bad? Really?
Then we had Step Up: Revolution (Predicted: 32% Actual: 35%) which I just about nailed on the nose. Hell, its an Occupy laden dance flick. Could it have scored anywhere else?
Next time around we’ve got big one with Bourne coming back, political campaigns, hope springing, and dudes going nitro. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!