New movies come out every week and then bitter, angry, unsuccessful internet movie critics scream loudly that they all suck and then stomp angrily back into their parent’s basement to whine and complain about that guy Harry Knowles who seems to love absolutely everything. I fall somewhere in between. So listen up as a I tell you which newly released movie you’ll be seeing this weekend. You won’t for instance be seeing Bridget Jones 2, since that was technically released last weekend and is only this weekend expanding into a monster amount of theaters… probably because a lot of you fools failed to listen to me last weekend, ran out and saw it, and thus overly inflated it’s per screen average. Let’s not make that mistake again, ok? Read and obey.

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie
Stoner favorite Spongebob peeks out of his pinapple this weekend, hoping to suck in parents and kids who’ve already seen The Incredibles more than or potheads who’ve been waiting their entire lives for this moment. Or for that matter me, since I’ll be seeing it Friday night in order to review it for Cinema Blend. I’ll be doing so at the latest possible showing available, since that’s likely to be stoner hour and guys who’ve just been smoking weed are usually a lot more fun to watch movies with than hundreds of screaming and wailing kids. Unless of course you have screaming and wailing kids yourself, then an audience full of screaming and wailing kids is no doubt just the kind of ambience you’re looking for. It’s easy to make fun of Spongebob, the show is pretty silly and insipid and the theme song is just so weird it is impossible to tell if it is inspired or incredibly juvenile. But I’ve got to hand it to them, the trailer for this thing is gut busting hilarious, especially the heavily featured cameo of David Hasselhoff. Still, this is a movie about a sponge who wears square pants, and I have hard time recommending a movie like that to anyone who doesn’t already want it. You know who you are.

National Treasure -
Bill and I rarely agree on anything, so the fact that we were both pleasantly surprised by National Treasure probably means that we’re both wrong and the movie is a horrible black hole of doom and suckiness. Oh well, it’s still my pick. Why risk your money on a sponge when you can go with an entertaining sure thing? National Treasure will probably be even more enjoyable when it is inevitably shown on free days in public school history classes where the teacher is disinterested in having her students learn anything legitimately useful, but it’s still a nice little adventure jaunt when seen in theaters. It’s even got Sean Bean playing an ineffectual bad guy, who is in the end murdered by orcs… well arrested by cops but that’s nearly the same. Nick Cage spouts dork babble, the Declaration of Independence has a strong supporting role, and a German woman is put in charge of protecting United States national history. It’s a cool little ride. Check out National Treasure this weekend, but do so with only mild expectations.

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