It’s not often I’m right about something, so excuse me while I take a moment of your time to gloat. In my 2005 review of Zathura, I predicted big things from Kristen Stewart in the future. Sweet Jesus do I wish I had been wrong. I’m usually wrong. Why did I have to be right about this one?
Look, it’s not that I hate Kristen Stewart. Obviously back in 2005 I rather liked her. I still like her. She’s pretty and to be honest she wasn’t completely terrible in Twilight. She’s never going to be a Meryl Streep though and unfortunately, the massive, over the top, success of Twilight is causing Hollywood to treat her like she’s already halfway to an Oscar. According to HR Kristen Stewart will play legendary fem-rocker Joan Jett in a rock n’ roll biopic called The Runaways, a movie about Joan’s same-named, all-girl band. No not the Blackhearts. That came later.
Here’s the thing: Joan Jett is hella cool. She deserves a goddamn good movie made about her. I want to see that. Unfortunately with Kristen Stewart playing her the best we can hope for is a probably okay movie in which she’s played by a really, really pretty girl. Well ok, at least played by Kristen Joan Jett will look good and I suppose that’s halfway to being a decent rock chick. It just would have been nice to have her played by a really solid, younger actress. Not too young though, someone with at least a few years, some experience, to put behind Joan’s eyes after she’s been living the rock and roll lifestyle for awhile. Give me an Elizabeth Banks or a Rachel McAdams, not 18-year-old, pleasant but not particularly brilliant Kristen Stewart choking out “I Love Rock N’ Roll” in her gravely voice.
Kristen Stewart should follow the career path of Jessica Alba. Do movies which make you look pretty and get you in a bikini. Don’t do anything challenging. Get paired up with Paul Walker or Dane Cook (both of whom tend to make whoever stands next to them seem like a brilliant actor by comparison) and you’ll go far in this world. Or at least give it a few years before you tackle anything important. Who knows, five years from now maybe you’ll be ready for an Oscar. Apparently I’m rooting for you. Right now you’re 18 and best suited for movies in which you withhold sex from vampires.
Alright, I will say this for casting Kristen. She actually looks a little like Joan Jett. Maybe she’ll wow us and nail it. Surprise us fang-banger.
Side note: This will be the second attempt at making a movie about The Runaways. In 1979 Jett was halfway through filming a Runaways movie in which she played herself, before the plug was pulled and she ran off to have a successful solo career and sing “I Love Rock N’ Roll” up the charts.