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Hollywood has been kicking around the idea of remaking Chan-wook Park’s deeply disturbing revenge thriller Oldboy for years. Variety says that now those remake plans have fallen into the lap of Steven Spielberg and Will Smith. I can’t imagine anyone worse.

Here’s the problem. Oldboy is one of the most profoundly fucked up, dark, demented, screwed up movies ever made. It rips your heart right out of your chest, stomps on it, and then lets the credits role. It leaves your head spinning, your mind reeling, and that sick and twisted bent is exactly what makes it so great. Enter Spielberg and Smith, two filmmakers known primarily for making fluffy movies with happy endings.

Granted, Spielberg made Schindler and Saving Private Ryan, but those movies are more aberrations on his filmography. The real Spielberg is the guy who ruined War of the Worlds because he couldn’t resist giving it an unwarranted happy ending. That’s what he does when he’s remaking something. He takes something dark and thought-provoking and makes it glossy and happy. So by the way, does Will Smith. They’re both incredibly talented, but you know what you’re getting with them and what you’re getting is not what Oldboy needs and deserves.

Right now Spielberg and Smith are only in early discussions to collaborate on the remake. DreamWorks is still working on getting the rights to it. So there’s a chance it might not work. Or if it does work, maybe they’ll both stay out of it and simply take an executive producer credit. If you’re going to get a big-name director to do something like this, you need Paul Greengrass or Darren Aronofsky. Spielberg simply will not do.

Oldboy was a Korean movie released in 2003. It tells the story of a man kidnapped and imprisoned in a comfortable cell without any explanation. After 15 years without answers he’s released, and sets off to get revenge. Nothing, and I mean nothing, turns out like you’d expect. Do yourself a favor and give the original movie a rent.