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The summer is officially over. Labor Day has come and gone. The summer box office numbers are in and the NFL season is upon us. That means it’s fall. Autumn baby! Fellow sweaty guys rejoice. And no better way to kick off the season than talking some movies. This week we’ve got family and horror movies.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Having no real insight into how the federal government handles the security of its informants I probably shouldn’t be the one to comment on how to keep these folks safe. That being said, I kind of consider myself a de facto expert on just about every subject so I’ll point at a few obvious plot flaws for this flick. If one were trying to remain inconspicuous, attempting to “blend” in an effort to not only integrate into a culture, but also fade into the background lest be gunned down by motivated assassin, would moving to completely new country be the way to go? Especially if you were a hardboiled New York crime family with all the subtlety and tact of a bulldozer, on the run for turning snitch. Wouldn’t moving to the French countryside be just the kind of thing you’d want to avoid? Unless of course it’s the plot of a movie and the writers are looking for some cheap “lost in translation” jokes. I guess then it makes sense.
At some point in time a Robert DeNiro and Michelle Pfeiffer teaming would have been, like, news. Not anymore. Their fastballs are long since gone. And though they can show up here and there for a quality role, there exist far too many The Big Wedding’s (7%), Dark Shadows (38%) and New Year’s Eve’s (7%) on the resumes to get very excited about them working together. Though I don’t think this will bottom feed, what is there to get excited about?
Speaking of folks whose best days are behind them: French dude Luc Besson wrote and directs (at least partially explaining the inexplicable setting). Like those in the cast, he’s turned out quality work early on but recently has overseen The Lady (33%) and helped pen From Paris with Love (37%) and Taken (58%). This doesn’t necessarily inspire a great deal of confidence in this latest work. I can’t imagine critics falling in love with this film. It has a “been there, done that” feel to it that will leave critics less than pleased. Maybe if the Feds had placed DeNiro and crew in Sheboygan or something.
The Rotten Watch for The Family is
Insidious: Chapter 2
I’ve already made it clear to Mrs. Rotten Week that if, at any point, weird supernatural stuff starts going down around our crib, I’m out. And I don’t mean out of the house. I mean out of the family. She and Little Rotten Week are on their own. I’m a valuable commodity and can’t risk some Boogeyman/ woman ruining it. Which is why I keep certain universal poltergeist/ haunting/ paranormal activity truths on the forefront of my mind:
- The bad omens usually have something to do with the kids so give little ones a wide berth
- The evil spirits rarely go away on the first try
- It may be advantageous to just give the evil thing what it wants (house, wife, kid, whatever)
- Don’t deny that something [email protected]#$ed up in happening. If the rocking chair is going on its own or your teeth are falling out, bounce ASAP
I have a bag packed and ready to go at a moment’s notice. Pays to be prepared. And if there’s one thing for certain, it’s that there are plenty of poltergeist-free families out there for me.
Bringing us to Insidious: Chapter 2 where another cursed family finds itself with ever diminishing returns because they refuse to cut bait with each other when an evil spirit invades their lives. In the first movie, it got their kid. In the sequel, the baddies are out for the dad and seem to be all over the house.*
*Sidenote: if you suspected your family to have a curse of some kind following you around, why would you insist on living in an old Victorian home? Those big things aren’t cheap so you’ve got the funds to move into a new construction condo or something of similar ilk. Very little chance Toll Brothers is putting together haunted houses. Grab something new and modern.
Director James Wan (Insidious-66%) is back for the sequel. The original was a surprise hit both with critics and at the box office. I doubt the second lives up to its predecessor (they rarely do) but Wan is riding a hot streak after having also helmed The Conjuring (87%, and also starring Patrick Wilson). Though Wan’s early career left some critical love to be desired, (Saw-48%, Death Sentence-20%) I’m willing to hedge on his last couple of movies. Let’s put it a tick or two below the original and hope for the best. And watch out for those bumps in the night. The Rotten Watch for Insidious: Chapter 2 is
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?
Recapping last week:
Only one movie and it was a doozy. Riddick (Predicted: 13% Actual: 59%) was a huge miss and I took my lumps in a variety of fashions on this prediction. Obviously I was wildly off with the score, assuming from the trailer and other movies in the franchise that this would stink. Additionally, Vin Diesel did so little to inspire confidence in this flick that I spent a fair portion of the write up picking at the dude. He turned in a decently reviewed flick. Finally, the commenters came to Riddick/ Diesel’s defense, essentially calling me a moron. Appears they were correct. Unlike other prognosticators, I don’t have an issue admitting when I’m wrong. I was way off with this movie. I deserved the vitriol. I will allow Vin Diesel to come to my house and slap me exactly one time, at 25% strength. Vin, inbox me for details.
Next time around it’s the battle of the year and we get taken prisoner. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!