Former child star Gary Coleman revealed to Inside Edition Tuesday that he and longtime girlfriend of five whole months, Shannon Price, were secretly married last August. She proposed to him and he chose to become an honest man on her 22nd birthday. Nice way to save on gifts.

Sounds like your typical Hollywood rendezvous, doesn’t it? It would be – but this is Gary Coleman we’re talking about, Willis. That means its chock full of absurdity that only the great minds at Inside Edition could uncover. Or absurdity that could only come from a graduate of the Diff’rent Strokes cast of children, who knows anymore! Since there is so much depth and melodrama to this story, I’ve decided to sort them out on a list, rated least to most totally retarded:

5. Hold up, Wait a minute: If Gary Coleman was a kid actor in the 80s and his wife is 22… doesn’t that mean – yup! He’s 40! Isn’t he also that super short dude who - yup! He comes in towering at 4’8. His wife: 5’7. The couple insists none of this is an issue simply because well, that’s the least of their problems.

4. Identity Crisis: The couple chose to keep their nuptials secret in order to maintain Price’s integrity as an actress and e-Bayer of Coleman memorabilia. Yeah because before this interview I totally knew who this girl was. Nonetheless, Price prevails, “I don’t want to be known as Gary Coleman’s wife,” with Coleman adding, “She’s a great eBay-er. She’s a fabulous eBay-er. I hope she gets famous for that.” I, for one, would love to know how to get famous from online surfing.

3. Inanimate object rigor mortis 101: Responding as to why he threw a printer across a room on the morning of the interview, Coleman coolly responds, “I threw [it] because my agent wanted to send me a fax, and it wouldn’t fax, and she (Price) was upset at me over something that I had done. And I just took that printer and said, ‘You know what, you just need to die.’” You know what—these two need a reality show as soon as possible.

2. No More Diff’rent Stroking Coleman illustrates, in so many words, that Price was his first romantic partner. “I never got the opportunity to be romantic or feel romantic with anyone… I wasn’t saving myself, she just happened to be the one.” Everyone is probably thinking: so that’s why he had so many anger issues yet I’m left pondering laws of physics.

1.Anger Management in Full Swing: Think Gary’s anger problem has gotten better now that he’s found love? No, and it seems Shannon is well aware of staying out of the line of fire. She told Inside, “He lets his anger conquer him sometimes, I don’t like the violence, I really don’t… He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction…He’s got to damage something before his anger stops.” Just hope one day that “something” isn’t your face, Shannon.

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