I put a spell on you
‘cause you’re mine.
(Creepy Black Man Laugh)
It’s Halloween, bitches, and depending upon when you were born, you’ll either be trick-or-treating, shelling out fun size Snicker’s Bars, or ogling hundreds of barely-legal coeds in momentously skanky getups. God, I love rebellious and disaffected youth. In accordance with these Pagan Festivities--Two Thousand And Eight, The Year Of Thor--I’ve decided to throw together a little article about pop culture moments which scared the Bee-Gee-Sus out of me. Not all of them are horror movie related or even intentionally ghoulish, but the mind is a fickle and bizarrely behaving mass of flesh. The uncontrollable shakes I get from Nancy Grace can’t be helped; just as your fear of spiders and undoing bra straps aren’t to be judged or discussed in mixed company. So, grab your bootleg copy of Are You Afraid Of The Dark?: Season 1 and some zombie repellent. Here are the ten most frightening things I have ever seen…
10) Wendy Hiller’s Princess Dragomiroff In Murder On The Orient Express: Near death and clad in Aristocratic black, Princess Dragomiroff may need help walking and taking a shit, but she’s a rock star in Dante’s Ninth Circle. I had to have been about ten the first time I saw this film (during my Agatha Christie phase), and it took me weeks to rediscover my regular sleep schedule. I swear to God this old bag coughs Malaria and watches snuff films for relaxation. Besides, anyone who willingly admits they never smile on doctor’s orders has to be the daughter of Hades.
9) The Salem Witch Trials: I may not have been alive in sixteen ninety-two, but Arthur Miller’s vivid descriptions, as well as Daniel Day Lewis’ performance, and the disgruntled souls of nineteen people won’t let me move on. Here’s a completely true story about The Crucible. My roommate was watching the scene where Giles Corey gets crushed to death by rocks in eleventh grade English. Right after Giles asked for more weight, a rather hood-rich gangster type African American stood up in the back of the class and shouted with more than his twelve inch voice, “Oh shit! That nigger just went out hard.” And they say Shakespeare was a poet. On the other hand, Abigail Williams, the little harlot who made up all of these allegations, supposedly died from syphilis at seventeen after becoming a prostitute. Karma’s a big, sweaty bitch. And in case you’re keeping score at home, she did not go out hard.
8) Ellen Sandweiss Raped By Trees In The Evil Dead: And you thought those damn Ents in Tolkien’s Lord Of The Rings were freaky. Nothing good ever happens in the woods. That’s a goddamn fact. Little Red Riding Hood was abducted by a wolf. Gary Condit did who-knows-what to Chandra Levy’s dead body out there. And at least fifteen percent of all Law And Order: SVU crimes are committed in or around forested areas (Editor’s Note: not a real statistic). So, it’s only logical to reason that if the trees themselves came alive and wished to gruesomely assault you, well, you wouldn’t stand a fucking chance. Pun intended.
7) Brian David Mitchell’s Capture: Remember this Unabomber-looking douche bag? He, along with his wife Wanda, kidnapped Elizabeth Smart for eight months back in two thousand and three. Then the three of them went for a walk in broad daylight. Those wacky polygamists. Naturally, I found the entire case traumatizing, but once I got a look at Brian David Mitchell, the whole ordeal upgraded to a new level of creepiness. I wouldn’t want to spend two hours with that psychopath--let alone eight months. On the bright side, Elizabeth Smart is now a victim’s rights advocate and her captors have settled into their mental hospitals.
6) Magda’s Boobs In There’s Something About Mary: In perhaps the most painful blue ball ever transferred to film, Matt Dillon is peeping on Cameron Diaz changing. In a skuzzy yet understandable move, he switches to a pair of bigger binoculars, only to accidentally look into the wrong room and see Lin Shaye’s saggy, old woman titties. Horrifying. Even worse, the first time I saw this film was with my mom. She thought it was hysterical. Me? Not so much. Note to our male readers: if you’re ever fooling around with a girl and she has gross torpedo boobs like Magda, do not bring up this story. Simply finish your business and get hammered in hopes you’ll forget any of it ever happened. That’s the American way.
5) Music Of The Beatles Goes Disco By The Average Disco Band: Yes, this actually happened.
4) 2 Kings 2: 23-24 “From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead," they said. "Go on up, you baldhead." He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." Let’s just pause for a second to appreciate how truly sadistic and horrifying that Biblical passage is. No, actually, let me translate this into a story more relatable to 21st Century audiences. From there, George Costanza went up to the Bronx. As he was walking along the road, some dumbshit kids verbally harangued him about not having all of the hair on top of his head. George turned around, looked at them and asked God to curse the ankle bitters. Then two bears ran out from behind a 7-11 and killed forty-two of them in some kind of absurd bloodlust. Let it be said: he is a just and loving God; also, that George Costanza is a great television character.
3) Robert DeNiro’s Tattoos In Cape Fear: The film itself may not be Taxi Driver or Raging Bull, but Scorsese’s remake is devastatingly creepy. More specifically, though, Robert DeNiro’s body art is more traumatizing than Medusa’s face. You’ve got a clown--crying--with a smoking gun. A giant scale balancing The Bible (“truth”) and a sword (“justice”). The Grim Reaper with the phrase Time The Avenger scrolled underneath. And a slew of broken hearts. Oh, did I mention after he whips these freaky tattoos out, he bites a woman’s face off. Yeah. That’s enough to make you go running back to Jesus.
2) Parents Resource Music Center: Back in 1985, a group of Senator’s wives got together and decided Rock N Roll music was poisoning the youth of America. They accused acts such as Queen, Styx, and Van Halen of including subliminal backwards messages advocating Satanism and premarital sex. Millions of taxpayer dollars were wasted holding hearings on the matter before the unlikely duo of John Denver and Dee Snider embarrassed the hell out of everyone involved. Eventually, Tipper and friends got those damn “Explicit Lyrics” stickers placed on albums, and unwanted pregnancies and adolescent suicides stopped completely. Oh wait. Debaucherous behavior continued, just as it always well. Fuck you, Tipper Gore and the Senatorial cock you rode in on.
1) Nick Nolte’s Mugshot: I have a confession to make. Nick Nolte’s greasy, drugged-out hair wasn’t originally number one on this list. It was Marion Barry’s hilarious crack-smoking, bitch-set-me-up video, but honestly, I’ve always found that tape a little more funny than scary; so, I’m back to Nick Nolte. Look at this grizzled face and tell me I’m wrong. Yup---the scariest pop culture moment in history.
That’s it, folks. Sorry if I missed your favorite ghoulish endeavor. Leave me a comment telling me what an uninformed dumbass I am. Or *gasp* tell me why you agree.