As anyone who has actually tried the stuff can attest, bologna is the king of mystery meats. Salisbury steak, hotdogs, and meatloaf have always been suspect but compared to bologna they're all practically veil cutlets. Mothers have been pushing the mystery meat on us for years, convincing us that Oscar Mayer isn't involved in a government conspiracy to control our brains with the supposed "sausage". I never bought into their adorable children's jingles of propaganda or the "Wienermobile" Gestapo. Today, I finally feel justified.

According to < a href=>GossipCop, actor Justin Theroux's motorcycle was covering in slices of bologna while parked outside of Jennifer Aniston's apartment in the West Village. Yes, this is a real story and it gets more bizarre. One of Aniston's neighbors told the New York Post that there "clearly was bologna" placed all about the BMW motorcycle. After the devil-meat was spotted, witnesses claim it was quickly cleared off but provided no further details about the perpetrator of this heinous crime. A rep for Aniston had this to say about the incident.
"There are paparazzi outside their apartment 24/7. Don't you think they would have photographed the person doing it, if indeed this actually happened, which I do not know for sure."

I agree with Aniston's rep. It's very unlikely the paparazzi would miss someone placing mass amounts of bologna on Theroux's motorcycle. Some may say that this evidence proves the incident didn't even happen, but a true detective knows better. I said it before and I'll say it again, bologna is the king of mystery meats. When was the last time you had the stuff? How can we be so sure that bologna hasn't become it's own sentient being intent of overtaking the world, one stomach at a time.

I propose that the bologna had a mind of it's own and snuck onto Theroux's bike when no one was looking. Once it was spotted, the meat probably fled the scene out of fear of being discovered. Just what would a deli meat want with a motorcycle in the first place? That question is left to better detectives than myself. You can be sure we'll keep you updating on any further meat related crimes. My bologna has a first name and it's C-R-I-M-E!

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