There’s a lot more to life than attractiveness. Sexy white women may be the most upwardly mobile class in our society, but that cute smile and sweet rack can only take a girl so far. Pair it with a random skill though, maybe race car driving, and that glass elevator in the Charlie And The Chocolate Factory sequel will burst through the glass ceiling like a piñata full of pixie sticks and cocaine. Snort it up, Danica. Snort it up.

Let’s call a Spade a Spade, or in this case an average girl an average girl. Danica Patrick looks like thirty percent of the girls I went to college with. She’s no more attractive than the median Sorority Sister in the median Sorority House on the median college campus in America (Oklahoma State). She is just another pretty face in the crowd, but in our desperate gropes to find the next Jenny Finch, we’ve elevated Danica Patrick to Bond Girl-level hotness. Did we all poke ourselves in the eye simultaneously or have we just lost our collective minds? Danica Patrick is the cutest girl at band camp or the hottest chick at a home schooling convention. She’s only hot when compared against Richard Petty or The Intimidator Dale Sr. No offense to those mustached vixens, but I like my eye candy without a visible gut full of PBR. Danica Patrick has no business in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, and I’m on a one man crusade to call bullshit.

Yes, I know I said attractiveness isn’t everything like two paragraphs ago, but by goddamn definition, the S.I. Swimsuit Issue is supposed to represent beauty. It’s supposed to shepherd young boys into puberty and make young women pray they’ll someday be able to turn that many heads. Really, if you want to get right down to it, the Swimsuit Issue embodies all of America’s hedonistic glory in a hundred pages of erotic, yet still okay, PG-13 pleasure. The girls have to be ungodly temptresses. Heidi Klum is an S.I. swimsuit model--that’s the type of lady I’m looking for when I open my mailbox. Not a dolled-up race car driver. It’s like Warren Sapp. He may be the best dancing football player, but that doesn’t mean I want to see him sub in for Michael Flatley. At the end of the day, he’s just a fat black guy who happens to have more rhythm than most. That’s Danica Patrick--she’s a fat black guy with a few moves.

Please look at the picture on the upper right hand side of your screen. That’s Danica Patrick’s picture from this year’s issue. Not too bad, actually. But now take a look at a few pictures of her without professional make-up artists or Photoshop. Here and here. Noticeably less attractive than that girl who wooed Richard Dreyfus in Mr. Holland’s Opus.

I’m not saying Danica Patrick shouldn’t be ogled or even have her own spreads in Maxim. She’s an attractive girl with a unique ability. That more than meets the criteria for masturbation, but please, for the love of all that is decent and beautiful about our great nation, leave her out of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Jim Abbott was the best one-armed baseball pitcher of all-time, but his ninety-something career wins never got him into the Cooperstown Hall Of Fame.

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