When I was fifteen years old, I wore this stupid hat that said “Soybean Farmer” on it. It was orange, dirty, disgusting and an immediate deal breaker with any woman not a soybean farmer herself. For some reason, I thought it was hilarious. Then I tried to jump a four foot long retention ditch with a makeshift ramp on a skateboard with the wheels cut off and went ass over stupid hat into the filthy, disease-infested liquid. I wanted to retrieve that orange nightmare, but as I sat there covered in murky putrescence, I realized enough was enough. It was time to move on. Now, the war on steroids has finally reached that same point.

The other day, every major league and minor league baseball player in America was issued an email by the commissioner's officer warning them to stop spraying deer antler product underneath their tongues. Apparently, the substance, synthesized from adolescent deer antler velvet, spurs growth and enhanced capabilities. Major League Baseball's drug agreement does not allow testing for the substance, but apparently, it's frequently sprayed with another chemical that does violate league rules. The whole thing sounds like some ill-advised dare Steve-0 might try on Jackass, but clearly, it's become so commonplace in baseball that Bud Selig has to warn every player about it. What the fuck has gone wrong with professional sports?

Steroids have finally jumped the shark. I was willing to roll my eyes and sigh when players started injecting substances into their asses to jump higher and run faster, but this deer antler nonsense has reached the point of unintentional hilarity. Whether they're using it themselves or not, every single major league player is sitting in a murky retention ditch staring at an ugly orange hat wondering whether or not it should be picked up. I'm positive it'll be grabbed, but you know what, that shit smell will always be there. Next week it might be frog semen instead of deer antlers.

According to Sports Illustrated, the Major League Baseball Players Association still has no plans on agreeing to blood testing. Until they do, this shit is going to happen over and over again, and the world will scowl at every player like he's wearing a stupid fucking orange hat.

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