If heaven exists, it’s going to look like a zoo. A mess of all ages, sexes and socio-economic classes, it’s literally impossible to go five minutes without spotting low class douche bags, upper class snobs, bozos, mouth breathers, ogres, sweaty fat people and mismanaged children. Like the DMV, the zoo is a great equalizer. It’s your only option if you want to see bored animals in fabricated habitats, and about once every six months, I do. In fact, when the urge strikes me, I morph into some kind of sick addict profusely text messaging my friends about the imperativeness of immediately seeing hippos wallow.

Of course, what starts out as buffalo stalking always turns into people watching by the second hour. There’s usually an obese mother who’s lost track of her child, old men who’ve camped out in the shade and stoned teenagers giggling at the monkeys. I’ve long come to grips with these stereotypes, but for as long as I live, I will never be emotionally okay with watching hordes of idiots taunt the innocent animals. Have these jack-offs not heard Dr. Ian Malcolm’s impassioned speech in Jurassic Park? Have they not seen the Messin’ With Sasquatch ads on TV?

Take a look at the following video featuring parents laughing their asses off as a hungry lioness is thwarted by the transparent wall preventing their baby from becoming lunch…

You see how the lioness tried to attack the wall’s weak point where the two sides meet? It’s a long shot, but I can’t blame her. Word is babies are delicious. Austin Powers 2 propagated that factoid, and this lioness’ animal instincts seem to confirm it. The vast majority of the time, that transparent wall does its job, but every now and again, an animal breaks free at the zoo and gorges itself on the flesh of its taunters. I’m not saying I root for it, but I certainly don’t lose sleep over it either. Keep that in mind next time you feel like mocking a beast desperately trying to eat your family. Our domination over nature is pronounced, but when that chasm closes, carnivores remember which of us used our babies for a laugh.

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