Thredson appears from the shadows and tells Lana a confession wouldn’t matter anyway, since he’d spent all his time since her escape eradicating his house of all things Bloody Face. “You made me give you my intimacy,” he accuses her during a rapid mental deterioration. She betrayed him, but also made him realize he had to burn Bloody Face once so he could be born again, starting with her skin.

Out of nowhere, Kit runs in and knocks him out, and Kit and Lana tie him up and lock him in a room. I don’t even know what part of the hospital they’re at by this point. He has to stay alive in case he somehow flips his story and allows Kit to get off innocent. “One day, I’ll burn you,” Lana tells him in a nearly chilling ending. So for once, the good guys end the week with the upper hand. Of course, it’s just their one upper hand beneath mounds of oppressive and Satanic forces, but you gotta find that silver lining.

So here are my predictions for next week. Arden tells Marcy Eunice about the aliens, but she doesn’t believe him, and the two share an affectionate touch before she insults him. Kit comes out of nowhere and disturbs Monsignor Howard’s tea party in which Beatles records are being burned. Grace is resurrected as a gnat that Kit accidentally kills just before learning the secret to the universe. Jude tells a sad story about the time her father intentionally didn’t catch her while they were performing their trapeze act, and she uses a Chinese accent to tell it. An alien calls Jude “mom.” Lana discovers a time machine, but soon realizes the only time she can go back to is right before she gets caught inside the asylum, and the cycle begins anew.

The Inane Asylum

I tried keeping count of all the New England soft “R” sounds, as in “Stahr Mahrket.” But I ran out of computer memory. And after all that, Santa pronounces “schnapps” as it would rhyme with “naps.” Dialect coaches are burned at the stake after each episode finishes filming. “Advent calendahr.”

The rapid editing in the cold open dampened the harsh violence involved, but could not sift the dirtiness out of most of McShane’s lines, such as saying the difference between him and the real Santa was “that Santa only comes once a year.” As well, I hooted when he asked a fellow patient if she wanted to “savage a few elves and suck on each other.” Points against him though for saying the ancient “Are we having fun yet?”

Did Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer become the devil at some point? Was he the icon of anti-spiritualism back then? Everybody be hatin’.

Arden and Mary Eunice’s first conversation was hilarious. Mary Eunice, smoking and waving her limbs as casually as can be, referring to her past Christmases where “all we got was a tangerine and socks,” before asking Arden, “Did you celebrate Christmas in your Nazi household?” I may be falling in love with Lily Rabe’s devil-infested self.

When Mary Eunice asks Arden if hearing Jude beg for her life went against his morals, Arden called it tedious and said he had more pressing matters to tend to. What is more pressing than setting up someone to die?

When Thredson catches Lana on the disconnected phone, he says, “Hope you’re not planning on making a toll call,” or something like that. It would be a clever line had they already established that Thredson, while not working for Briarcliff in any fulltime capacity, takes care of their utility bills.

Was I the only one waiting for Santa Leigh to come up with a Christmas carol parody about anal rape? Something like, “Jingle bells. Just the tip. Please not all the way. Oh what shame I have to hide and I promise I’m not gay.” Send all donations to the Bernie Taupin School of Lyrics.

Get out your Dylan McDermott foam fingers, because he’ll be here next week! I only used an exclamation point right there so I could use it to give myself one of Dr. Arden’s famed lobotomies.

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