Howard finds Jude’s red nightie in her effects box, and it’s like the reddest fucking thing ever against all these drab colors. Mary Eunice pretty much comes out and tells him Jude wanted to jiggle his rosary beads, as well as agreeing that he deserved to be in Rome, and that she, Mary Eunice, would follow him. Oh, how exciting that would have been. Now lest his humbled grins lead you to thinking Howard is hetero at all, there follows the most homo-erotic sequence this season, juxtaposing Santa Leigh’s repentance with Howard’s pipe dreams of turning sinners to saints, which culminates in Santa Leigh’s baptism. Wow. Of course, he immediately overpowers Howard and holds his head underwater.

When we next see the monsignor, he’s hanging on a backlit cross, and it’s a pretty rad effect. There’s no reason for these religious tropes to continue to surprise me, but they do. Frances Conroy’s Angel of Death appears to help him. But since he appears in next week’s preview, I guess she doesn’t help him in the dying way. Considering his lack of obvious wounds, it doesn’t even seem like Santa Leigh really wanted to kill him.

Finally, my favorite moment in the episode. Jude joins the gen pop crowd, causing gasps and glances from all around. She bums a cigarette off of Lana and assures her she’s getting them out of there. To gain her trust, Jude walks across the common room floor, grabs the needle arm off of the Dominique record, and smashes it to bits! The room explodes in commotion, and my living room exploded in jubilation. No more French song! Now let’s get some Yardbirds or Blues Magoo records into Briarcliff. It’s exciting that Jude will try to reach her former glory as a patient, but I have no idea how she’d even go about it. Even though Mary Eunice’s devil doesn’t really do much when she’s not being bothered, she still poses an otherworldly threat that could possible end everything all at once. Say, in four episodes.

”D” is for Dumbass Winter Break

So Thredson’s location is unknown. Santa Leigh’s location is unknown. Kit is dead. Jude is cool. Grace is gonna be a mom. What else can possibly happen? I predict the next four episodes will contain a pro wrestling match, a river being parted by a single man, an anachronistic Twitter revolution, communion wafers made out of “real Jesus flesh,” a rainstorm inside the walls of the asylum, an episode-long chess match that ends in a rap battle, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse running a train on Mary Eunice. Let’s hope January comes quicker than last year, readers. I’ll see you then.

The Inane Asylum

So if I’m reading this correctly, and I doubt I am, then Pepper is an alien? Her appearance aside, I don’t know how or why this would make sense.

Yeah, I really did enjoy that opening scene. Watching Dylan MickeyD become menacing instead of emasculated was a change. Of course, it wouldn’t have been complete without the unmenacing “No, to go to medical school!” line.

I am such a naïve human being when it comes to some things. While I thought Lana might get pregnant during the rape scene, I’d already pushed it out of my memory. Then when it became obvious, I still didn’t take the episode title into consideration. And when Lana saw the line of suits on hangers, I was still just like, “What’s she gonna do? Put a suit on and sneak out?” I’m legally allowed to drive in public, people.

As someone who tends to drag his feet sometimes, I had to laugh when Arden found perfect footprints left in very soft dirt by the aliens. And their posture! Don’t get me started!

I’d love to see Lily Rabe redo her Drano Margarita speech as the pre-possessed Mary Eunice. Or for her current self to have a One Woman show in Vegas. She’s the only character whose spinoff series I would totally get behind. Ian McShane as Santa, or the Easter Bunny, can co-star.

“I don’t mind tellin’ ya…I’m scared.” And I don’t mind telling you, readers, that while there isn’t much in any form of media that gets a strong physical reaction out of me, watching Kit’s strained convulsions as he died was kind of brutal on me. The whole thing just made me think too much.

I like and don’t like that this show is so easygoing with its plot twists that it felt the need to let Lana find and sneak a knife out of the kitchen before getting caught with it. Did I really need to invest any of my time tonight in thinking that she was getting away with a knife?

You sip the scotch, Kit. Especially if you’re about to die.

So, seriously, now that Jude is on the opposite side of Briarcliff’s chain of command, are they still making her molasses bread? The finale should just be litigation over her rights to the recipes.

When Santa Leigh says he’d like to personally ask his victims’ forgiveness in Heaven, did you also think that it was an oxymoron to use “personally” when referring to soul entities?

So when that woman turns the psychiatrist’s chair to reveal her face, did you notice how she turned the chair the long way around, just so the camera would see it just as she would? That’s pretty fucking stupid.

Here’s how I think Joe Fiennes get ready for this role. He takes every disc of every copy of the Rosetta Stone language aid series, and plays them all at once, all at different speeds. And then he forgets everything and reads his lines in whatever damned accent he wants.

How in Judas’ name did Santa Leigh possibly get Howard nailed to that cross? It’s a fucking impossibility. As well, he nailed him through the hands instead of the wrists. While I’d like to plainly call them out for being inaccurate, I actually have more of a problem with the use of the hands because his weight would have torn him down from the cross. Unless Howard was standing on something, which I couldn’t tell.

“What did they do to you?”
“Nothing I didn’t do to you.”
Considering Jude hasn’t been raped by the serial killer that made her touch a man’s dong while she masturbated, I’m not sure equality will ever be reached.

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