Last week: Blah blah blah everyone's a copy of a character from the original the plots are generally recycled from the original blah blah blah OMGDRAMA blah blah blah. Although the pre-show retrospective reminded me that Naomi told everyone when Silver told her about her dad's ho activities. Karma's a bitch, ain't it?
This week: I predict more drama and I've heard rumors that we'll find out who Kelly's babydaddy is. Let's kick it.
Annie's drama teacher has a family emergency and has to leave town. Daddy's thinking about cancelling the musical until Grandma Tabitha volunteers to supervise, capping off her offer with wise words regarding breathing through her ass and humping directors. At the rehearsal, Annie's doing her usual shaking around and making hand gestures like she's Miley Cyrus or just some chick with Tourette's and Epilepsy when Grandma stops the rehearsal to tell the girls to "sing like their privates are on fire", which would actually be a funny sight. Incidentally, this song really sucks. And are these girls good actresses acting like horrible actresses or horrible actresses trying to act like good actresses? Or are they even acting at all? Just ponder that for a bit, why don't you?
Somewhere in the singling like your privates are on fire and breath through your ass speeches, Grandma actually gives some decent advice, even if the girls really won't use it. Or act like they aren't using it or.... damn, I just blew my own mind.
Regardless, Grandma embarasses the hell out of Annie because Grandma is a better actress so Annie tries to have Director Grandma fired and Principal Dad has Brenda, who is - apparently - a fan of Director Grandma, to "help" Grandma. When Brenda tapes a rehearsal and shows it to Grandma, she realizes that she's been riding Annie to the exception of coaching any of the other girls, so Grandma quits and lets Brenda take over the play.
Speaking of karma's bitch, her first scene tonight has her forced to take Christmas Card pictures and being all catty about her daddy's ho-ness. Apparently, Naomi isn't dealing with Dad's ho tendencies very well and her mom tells her to lay off the haterade so Naomi runs to Ethan, figuring the dude who cheated on her may have some sympathy. For someone who looks as old as she does, you'd think she'd have more wisdom. Ethan gives her a sympathetic look and then is like "yeah, that really sucks... Listen, I have an appointment in my truck to get a blowjob, so..."
I knew they specifically showed Silver talking about Naomi's backstabbing in the "previously" thing for a reason, and I must have been right since Naomi begs her not to blog about her dad's affair. Silver seems very unsympathetic, naturally.
Kelly and Brenda have breakfast at school and dish about teacher Ryan watching cartoons when Kurt Cobain died and whether or not "He" knows about Ryan. Kelly tells Brenda that she'll tell "Him" when she's ready. Brenda says okay, but has that devious look. I think Kelly's going to force the drama. I can't believe Shannen Doherty would play a devious, meddling bitch! Speaking of Cartoon Cobain, his attempt at another date leads to more prying about the babydaddy (big surprise). Kelly's response about him being halfway around the world doing charity work seems to be another hint towards Brandon, but the Brandon hints are starting to make me think it's definitely not him. It would be hilarious if it were Steve or some half-forgotten guest star on the original series, but I'm shifting my money to Dylan/Dillon/Douche.
Dixon gets to drive Dad's truck to work and then knocks the mirror of some kid's car. Dixon asks if they can just settle the problem between themselves instead of involving the insurance companies and the kid looks at him like he wants to set up one of those blowjob appointments but then agrees to give Dixon a few weeks to come up with the cash to fix the car. Where does a kid who needs to make some money go? The Peach Pit!! Somehow, a kid from Kansas reminds him of a kid from Minnesota and Dixon gets the job. Just try to tell me this show is being original, people. I guess all Midwesterners look alike to people from Beverly Hills. Oh well, at least Nat's not racist, even if Dixon appears to be the only black kid in all of West Beverly. Dad's only caveat is that he not let the job interfere with school or Lacrosse, and Dixon promises it won't. Of course, we all know that he won't be able to keep the promise and he totally forgets about a test by the end of the show.
Nonetheless, it seems like Dixon's problems are pretty much solved with the car until BJ boy tells him that his dad is coming home early and that he'll need the $500 for repairs by the end of the week unless Dixon would rather go through insurance. Dixon says he'll pick up the other shifts, but seems worried.
The Ethan/Annie un-romance continues when they set up a "one on one hang thing". Right after that, Annie runs into the pretty boy date rapist and blows off his attempts at a date to keep her thing with Ethan. I'm betting Ethan will show up with Naomi, because he's a doofus.
In the meantime, Silver thinks Annie is a moron for blowing off the date rapist for the doofus because Ethan and Naomi will never be over because there's a bubble or something. Silver's probably right, but I may just be agreeing because I have a totally age-inappropriate crush on her.
Naomi shows up to whine to Ethan some more and ends up helping him to calm down Ethan's apparently OCD/ Autistic brother, Stephen. Ethan makes some eyes towards her that may prove Silver and me right.
Once Stephen is calmed down, Naomi tells Ethan about her plan to confront her dad's woman about the affair and get her to stop. Like an idiot, Ethan agrees to go. But guess where Ethan should be? Yup, on his date with Annie. Not only has Annie been stood up, but date rape boy happens to come by the restaurant and sees her there. Silver and I were right and Ethan has blown it. In fact, Annie tells him the next day not to worry about blowing her off because "it's not like it was a date or anything." Unfortunately, Date Rape Boy is already going to his next concert with somebody else.
When he's helping Brenda put together some songs for the musical, he starts prying into the whole Kelly's baby-daddy thing and Brenda shuts him down because he's starting to come off like a douche that's about to ruin his slim chances with Kelly.
Dumbass Ethan and Naomi pull up to the Sancha's store to talk some shit because Sancha has moved to Beverly Hills. Naomi berates the woman and begs her to leave her dad alone and then realizes that Sancha (ok, her name is Gail) is having her stuff sent to the family beach house. Since her mom seems to base her acceptance of the affair on Gail not living locally, this could become an issue. Naomi runs back to tell her mom and mom predictably freaks out.
Predictably, Kelly gets a bit upset when Ryan tells her that he gets the feeling that Kelly and Sammydaddy have unfinished business and that he and Brenda were talking about her. I think Ryan somewhat blew it.
Kelly thinks that Brenda told Ryan something to make him think that, which she really didn't, just that they had a complicated history. Kelly insinuates that Kelly being so emotional about the subject means that she still has feelings for him. During the back and forth, Brenda finally says babydaddy's name....
And I was right with my new bet - Dylan/Dillon/Douche is Sammy's dad. And Brenda thinks that Kelly is still in love with him.
Ryan/Mr. Matthews snitched to Dad about the incomplete test in English and Dixon fesses up to why he's working so much. Dad is actually proud of Dixon and offers to pay for the mirror now and let Dixon pay him back so that school doesn't suffer. Lucky Dixon, my dad always borrowed money from me.
Come to think of it, he never paid me back, either. I need to hire a collection company on his ass.
An offhand comment about how guys aren't like girls and don't hold grudges leads Silver to decide not to post about Naomi's dad in her blog.
Annie gets desperate to make up with date-rape-boy and gives him snickerdoodles and kisses. It actually works and they make a date. Ethan done screwed up, but Naomi's still in love with him and tries to get him back. Everyone wants to start over in their relationships. Naomi and Ethan and Annie and Date-Rape-Boy are apparently doing it. Bubbles, people.
This show is still not the worst thing on TV, but it may be the most blatantly recycled thing on TV.
Next week, Annie and date rape boy hump! And Annie's crying!
Could my nickname for Ty be prophetic?