Of all the people at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton that were likely to have an affair out of wedlock, Stanley would’ve been on the bottom of my suspect list but apparently, the writers of The Office decided to throw that little curve ball into tonight’s season premiere.

Before we get into this recap, can someone please tell me where I know that one intern from? The guy with the brown hair who was referred to as “Alan Thicke” at the end of the episode and learned nothing about paper? Anyone? Maybe he just reminds me of one of the Lawrence brothers. Anyway, tonight’s episode was all about gossip and naturally, Michael was at the center of the drama.

The episode began with Michael, Dwight and Andy attempting to mimic Parkour. This involved them clumsily jumping over and around random objects in the office. It ended when they took their game outside and Andy jumped off the back of the truck and fell through an empty refrigerator box. An amusing cold-open if only because it’s so typical of Michael to get into something a few years after it’s time (and naturally Dwight and Andy would blindly follow him, disregarding the threat of personal injury... or enormous pit-stains).

The summer interns were finishing up their sentence at DM-Scranton when some of the staff started gossiping about two of them dating. Michael, annoyed that he was left out of the loop, worked to get some dirt on someone else in the office so he could start his own bit of gossip. The interns told him that they saw Stanley at some club with a woman that wasn’t his wife. This rumor seemed so absurd that I have to wonder if Michael was even fully sold on it. Still, he was sick of being the third wheel on the tricycle and went around telling everyone he came across until Jim told him he might want to find out if it’s true before he proceeds to ruin Stanley’s life.

Michael caught up with Stanley outside as he’s on his way to a sales call and gets in the car to tell him what’s being said. Stanley admitted it right away, too upset at having been caught to even consider denying it. He even admitted he wasn’t going on a sales call but was off to tell Cynthia (the “other woman” who also happens to be his former nurse) that it’s over. Michael seemed just as surprised to learn that it was true as he was to discover that sometimes when his staff members say they’re going on a sales call, they’re really off doing something else. Stanley begged him not to tell anyone but Michael let that bat out of the bag numerous times already. So what does he do to cover his tracks? He spreads a bunch of other rumors around the office.

Strangely enough, while the DM staff wasn’t willing to believe that Stanley would be cheating on Terry, they were willing to consider the fact that Kelly was anorexic, Toby’s a virgin, and Andy’s gay. Even Andy believed that last one and spent the duration of the episode trying to figure out if he was a homosexual. High school rumors aside, Andy’s obviously so completely pre-programmed to go along with whatever the boss says that he’d even be willing to question his own sexuality if Michael told him to.

On top of that, Creed was afraid that the rumor about him having asthma would ruin him for scuba diving. If that happens, what’s this all about? What has he been working toward? I have no idea but apparently scuba diving is extremely relevant to Creed's life goal. Toby argued that he can’t be a virgin because he has a daughter and Dwight insisted that his manure isn’t store-bought. He added that he showed Michael where the manure comes from. I don't want to know... Beets anyone?

Interestingly enough, Michael threw a rumor out there about Pam being pregnant. Leave it to Michael to accidentally unearth a secret that Pam and Jim had managed to keep for four months. Even with Pam’s expanding chest, the office was none-the-wiser to her condition, which was the true reason for why they’re pushing their wedding date up. Shotgun wedding! (minus the shotgun.)

When everyone gathered together to get to the bottom of all of the gossip, it came out that Michael’s the one that started it all. Michael admitted that one bit of gossip was true but the rest was all made up. Jim, who people believed was the J. Crew model Michael spoke of, realized that Stanley really was having an affair and instead of letting the whole office find out about the man’s infidelity, stepped up and admitted that he and Pam are having a baby. To prove it, Pam went and got the sonogram picture, which Michael declared was the inside of her vagina. Man, that guy really needs to go back to high school health class.

So everyone found out about Jim and Pam’s little bun in the oven and Stanley’s secret was safe. As Michael was questioning the future Mr. and Mrs. Halpert about the baby and why they didn’t tell him about it, Stanley’s wife Terry called to return Michael’s call. Yeah, for some reason Michael thought it was a good idea to check in with her when he was trying to confirm the Stanley-rumor. Jim and Pam tried to get him not to take the call, knowing he’s an idiot and likely to slip up when talking to her. But no, Michael had it under control. He picked the phone up to talk to Terry and promptly called her Cynthia… twice. And since apparently Terry was aware that there had once been something going on with Stanley and his nurse, she put two and two together right away.

One could say that Michael effectively destroyed Stanley’s marriage but then again, Stanley’s the one who cheated, right? Kind of hard to blame this all on Michael now but Stanley did anyway and went out to the parking lot to take his rage out on Michael’s Sebring.

And thus concludes the first episode of the sixth season of The Office. Now that everyone knows Pam’s pregnant, I look forward to more comments from Angela berating Pam for conceiving a child out of marriage, Michael making inappropriate comments about her condition, Meredith making Pam fear parenthood and whatever anyone else decides to say to make her (and Jim) feel uncomfortable. In the end, we’ll still be happy for them and then of course, there’s the wedding to look forward to!

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