Dylan Dog is a very sneaky picture on multiple levels. One way it’s sneaky, is that it’s a detective story, and there’s a whole lotta sneaking going on here. And another way it’s sneaky, is that it’s a third-rate, straight-to-DVD piece of garbage that managed to sneak its way into the theater, which is most impressive in that regard. Most impressive, indeed.
2 / 10 stars
Rating: movie reviewed rating
How many comic book movies have YOU seen this year? All of them, you say? Nope, wrong. Sure, you might have seen Thor, Captain America, Green Lantern, and X-Men, but did you see Dylan Dog? And before you say anything, please tell that me you didn’t, because good God is it awful. It stars Brandon Routh, who’s probably better recognized as Superman (there’s another superhero for you), and it’s actually based on an Italian comic that nobody had even heard of before this movie came out. It’s about a detective who basically keeps a check on the undead, which is actually a pretty cool concept. Too bad it’s pulled off so poorly in this clunker of a film.

The story takes place in New Orleans, but why, I have no idea. In the comic, (or so Wikipedia says), Dylan’s adventures mostly take place in London, which actually fits the vibe of the story if you’re into detective movies, which Dylan Dog kind of tries to be. But if you’re going to use New Orleans as a location, then at LEAST use it effectively, sort of like how the South is used in True Blood. This movie should have played to the Big Easy’s eccentricities. But it doesn’t. It’s just a setting. What a waste.

But that’s the least of the problems with this film. The dialogue and acting is just as brain dead as the zombies in this picture. And yes, I said zombies. Dylan Dog has freaking everything ghoulish in it, and too much at the same time. It messes up the story, which is already convoluted, and makes you groan at its horrible pacing. And oh, yeah, Brandon Routh simply cannot act. Scenes where he’s supposed to be upset are performed in the same manner as when he’s not supposed to be upset, and everything’s just so wooden and stiff in this picture that it bores you to tears. No wonder he was picked for the role of Superman. It fit him.

Kurt Angle, the wrestler, also makes an appearance in this film…as a werewolf, and quite frankly, he’s the only, I guess you could call it “good,” part about this whole movie. He fights Dylan at one point, only for Dylan to wallop him in the face with some silver knuckles. And if that sounds entertaining to you, it is. But it’s the only entertaining part in the entire movie. Well, that, and when actor Taye Diggs, who plays a vampire, is lying in bed and getting burned when Dylan Dog suddenly opens the door and lets the sun in. Even though the room itself was already pretty sunny as it was. Defying vampire logic a little bit here, Mr. Dog?

Overall, there’s a reason why you didn’t see this movie in your Cineplex for long, and it’s because it sucks. It was a massive bomb and lost tons of money. It somehow made it into the theater, but it didn’t help. Still, maybe it will do better on Blu-ray, where it belonged in the first place. I hope not, though. It’s really, truly awful (if you couldn’t tell from my review). Please, just skip it. Thanks.
2 / 10 stars
Rating: movie reviewed rating
Special features include subtitles and…wait a minute. Is that IT? Subtitles? No deleted scenes, no commentary, no added garbage tacked on to sell discs? Nothing? Wow, I’m honestly quite offended. Sure, I didn’t WANT to have to extend my viewing time with this piece of shit, and sure, I didn’t buy the Blu-ray disc, it was sent to me, but in this day and age, you expect SOMETHING with your purchase at least, even if it’s superfluous. But nothing? Nothing at all? That’s just another thorn in the side if you purchase this piece of trash. Oh well, the movie sucks, and the special features suck as well. Don’t buy this disc. It doesn’t deserve your attention.

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