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People may use the Internet for a good chunk of their news-gathering, but nothing will ever beat local news broadcasts for delivering the kind of story you’ll see in the video below, which features an interview with a man who punched a bear in the face. I’d take an interview like this over one with a celebrity any day of the week.

There are almost no words to use when reacting to a story like this; mostly just high-pitched giggles and loud woots and whistles. Carl Moore is a 73-year-old resident of Placer County, California, located in the Sacramento Valley, and his bravado is damned near as big as the state he lives in. He’s got a small dog that he loves dearly, and when that dog’s whines alerted him of a bear standing on his property, Carl Moore did what only Carl Moore would do: he ran up and decked the bear in the face. Ranger Smith is standing by a picnic table seething with envy right now.

I mean seriously, though, is there any legal way that you can adopt someone as an uncle? Even if it has to work as a tradeoff, I have an uncle that I’d gladly replace with Carl “the Mustachioed Mauler” Moore. I have to assume he tells the best stories at parties. This quote below was enough to have me pause the video long enough to weigh the options of getting it tattooed across my face.
The man or beast that I run from ain’t been born, and his momma’s already dead.

I’m honestly surprised the entire quote was heard over the sound of Carl’s giant iron balls clanging together. How is that not already a line that Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone garbled out in a 1980s action flick? And more importantly, when can we expect to see Carl’s biopic hit the big screen? I’d pay to watch that a hell of a lot quicker than I’d pay to watch the Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao fight this weekend.

And then there was this quote, in which he adds insult to injury.
This guy’s a jerk but he ain’t been back since he got smacked by Carl.

I’m not going to buy a safe for my most prized belongings in the future. I’m just going to tie them around the neck of Carl’s dog for the ultimate form of protection. The next time you see Carl Moore, he might be on tour with the metal band I Wrestled a Bear Once, or maybe he’ll have a mammoth in a headlock while tying an anaconda in a knot with just his feet. R.I.P. that bear’s integrity.