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Call Of Duty: Ghosts Single-Player Review: Logan, Do The Things!

By Pete Haas 2014-01-28 13:14:33 discussion comments
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Logan, let me tell you about the Ghosts. Never mind, everything's on fire! Run from the fire! Press A to vault over objects. Dodge that tree!

Now you're in space. Shit, dudes are attacking us in space. Use your space-gun to shoot them in their space-guts. That'll teach em to steal our space stuff. Wait, shit, they stole our space stuff. Now they're blowing up the world or something.

Watch the loading screen. Helpful exposition there. South America is now Nazi Germany with better food. Why? Don't trouble your head about this, Logan. The game finished loading!

Become Logan again except ten years older. Here, take this dog. Become the dog and kill that guy. Now bark at that guy. I'll kill them for you. Stop being the dog. Oh crap, other dogs! They're like our dog but we can't jump in their minds. Kill them! You're out of bullets!

Whew, a Ghost rescued you. Let me tell you about the Ghosts. But first, let's save a Ghost from another Ghost. Latter Ghost was just a normal Ghost but decided to become a Latin Fusion Nazi. Why? The "why" is shaky, Logan. Where did you learn the word "why", anyway?

Crap, hostage Ghost is dead. Become a robo-sniper machine and kill the guys. Now become Logan again. Now become robo-sniper. Now Logan. Robo-sniper. Logan. Robo-sniper. You escaped!

Let's get home to Dad. Surprise attack! Use the drone to stop them or we'll all be putting salsa on our burgers. The drone blows things up good. Now the drone's broken. Time to find Dad. He's not here but wait, he is. And he's a Ghost. Now you're a Ghost! Let me tell you about Ghosts. But first, let's find the evil Ghost.

Helicopter shoot-fest interlude!

Only one guy knows how to find the evil Ghost. Wipe that "why" look off your face. Sneak into his building. Be completely invisible but also kill everything. R3 those motherfuckers. Evil Ghost found us! Run away but also kill everything. Parachutes!

We found the evil Ghost! Oof, he got away. Let's blow up an oil well to take our minds off the whole thing. Keep the water pressure stable while I blow up the oil well. Done and done. Thanks for stabilizing the water pressure!

Logan, put this scuba suit on. Swim to this spot. And this spot. Now this spot. Sharks will eat you if you don't. Shoot soldiers. Sneak away from sharks. No, you can't shoot sharks. We'll tell you when shark-shooting is permitted. Never permitted, though. They're infused with Latin Nazi fever, rendering them bulletproof.

Attack Latin America! All of Latin America! Tank tank tank. Shoot shoot shoot. We're winning but we're losing but we're winning.

The Latin Nazis are making their own space stuff. They'd never suspect us stealing their space stuff in the exact same manner that they stole our space stuff. Turnabout is fair space-play, amigos! Shoot the space stuff at those Menudo lovers.

Logan, we saved the non-Latin part of the world! Or did we? Uncertainty is part of being a Ghost. Remind me to tell you about Ghosts.

Players: 1
Platforms: PS3, Xbox 360 (reviewed), PC, Xbox One, PS4, Wii U
Developer: Infinity Ward
Publisher: Activision
ESRB:Mature
Rating:

This article was first published on November 10, 2013 and was last updated on January 28, 2014.
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