This Rotten Week: Predicting Dark Skies And Snitch Reviews
Coming off just a terrible, rotten week we are looking for a little bounce back around these parts. It won’t be easy as I went 0-4 last time with my predictions. The only thing that can get us back on track is a little Rock and some more haunted houses.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
So Scott Stewart sits down on the patio of his palatial estate with a modest tumbler of Macallan and decides to get the creative juices flowing. It’s time to write a freaking movie. He’s thinking to himself, “Well I’ve already covered vampires and the post-apocalyptic scene in the much-acclaimed, and dare I say, genius Priest (16%).” He takes another smokey sip and looks to sky for inspiration. “And I also hit the demonically possessed angle, again with an apocalyptic flavor in the action-packed and dare I say, transcendent Legion (20%). I need to change it up again. Come on Scott, you can do this, think man.”
He looks to the heavens again, just as a cloud obscures the bright Los Angeles sun. So he starts with a title Dark Skies thinking that really could cover a number of different movies, not wanting to box himself in creatively. And then man does the pen just start moving, he’s like, “This thing needs a haunted house. And maybe your typical suburban family. Ooh and there should be like a possession or something. And maybe some creepy symbols, like on people’s skin. Oh, oh, oh and aliens! Yeah definitely aliens. That’s where the dark skies thing comes in, like aliens come from the sky!” The pen flies across the paper. The world is silent, there’s only a man, his ideas, and ten thousand worn out movie cliches. Twenty minutes later Dark Skies is completed its time to shop that bad boy.
And though I only imagine that to be Stewart’s creative process, the smorgasbord of bad movie ideas on display in this film is really off the charts. Bird flying into windows, unexplained phenomena, a dimwitted family who refuse to move even though their lives are riddled with creepy stuff happening 24/7, possessions, some societal outcast who’s an “expert” on this kind of thing because it “happened to him”, and aliens. Freaking aliens. It’s almost more than this cynic can handle.
*Quick sidenote about aliens, who are relevant now because they crash landed in Russia a few days ago. If a race of extra-terrestrials possessed the technology/power to come all the way to Earth, is it reasonable to expect them to spend all their time haunting a family or two here or there? Having not seen this flick there could be more to it than that, but it doesn’t appear that way. Why would these powerful beings aim so low?
Dark Skies is the kind of movie that shows up six to seven times a year on the big screen. The faces change a bit, the major conflict has subtle (though irrelevant) differences and the whole production is rather indistinguishable from others in the same genre. We’ve come to expect these movies and it looks like they’ll be around forever. The Rotten Watch for Dark Skies is
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