The first half of the year is rarely filled with potential academy award winners. Instead it’s a dumping ground of horrific movies and fun summer blockbusters. With the new year approaching, here’s a look at a few films we’re keeping an eye on in the first half of 2005… plus an extra fantastic bonus month. You won’t see many indies or Woody Allen films in there. The indies are absent because it’s too early to have heard much about them, and Woody is missing because his movies suck.
THE MOVIE: Elektra
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? January 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Jennifer Garner, Jason Isaacs, some Asian guys
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Local girl steals weapons from Ninja Turtles and uses them to fight tattoos.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Because you’ll never get another sequel to Mortal Kombat or because you’re one of those weirdoes obsessed with “Alias”.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Elektra preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? February 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Tilda Swinton, Shia LaBeouf, and assorted demons
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? It is not about Neo and in fact bears no resemblance to The Matrix. Demons enter the Matrix… damn I mean Neo is this… damn, I mean Keanu is this guy who hunts demons, but is in no way inside the Matrix.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Satan approved.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Constantine preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? Probably February 2005, but if we’re lucky, never.
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Poor Alan Cumming and that Jamie Kennedy fellow whose fame we have not yet been able to take back.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Taking your money and hurting you.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Use this movie as a measuring stick to decide which friends you like well enough to keep. Test them. Ask them if they’re excited about the new Mask sequel. If yes, the curb.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Son of the Mask preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? April 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? More than is reasonable and possibly even more than is legal.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Marv and his search for color… or the guy who killed Goldie.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Robert Rodriguez uses techniques lifted from the Wizard of Oz to screw with you.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Sin City preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? May 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Orlando Bloom, Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons, directed by Ridley Scott!
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Hot men killing Muslims for Jesus.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Ridley Scott is directing, Orlando Bloom is doing an approximation of acting.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Kingdom of Heaven preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? May 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Yes, but not all of them willingly.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Jar jar’s epic saga comes to a close as Lucas covers him in hair and he begins life anew as an oversized Ewok.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? It’s Star Wars last chance. Except for its next chance which will be a TV show or another movie or something.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Revenge of the Sith preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? May 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Yes and they’re stealing work from more qualified voice actors.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Animals who we don’t care about escape from a zoo, intercut with really funny scenes featuring penguins who we’ll all wish had gotten their own movie without that stupid lion and that stupid giraffe.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? All the other computer animated movies coming out in 2005 look absolutely terrible. Yes, even the one from Pixar.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Madagascar preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? June 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Directed by Richie Cunnigham (take that Fonz!), Russell Crowe, that squinty eyed woman, and Paul Giamatti
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Russell Crowe fightin round the world.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Potential for a cameo by Tugger.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Cinderella Man preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? May 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Warwick Davis, Sam Rockwell, a rapper, and that guy from “The Office” (no not the boss).
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? The Earth blows up… and that’s just in the first five minutes.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Depressed robots, Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, towel sucking, 42, the secret of flight, really wild stuff.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? June 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Lindsay Lohan has two.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Bug loves Lindsay. Lindsay loves bug. Caught on embarrassing home video and released over the internet.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? If you like frequently drunk, scantily clad, barely legal women or you have a soft, sweet cuddly spot for those old Love Bug movies featuring Buddy Hacket.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Herbie: Fully Loaded preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? June 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston (in very angry being cheated on spirit)
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? A normal, American marriage.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Because not caring about really hot celebrities pretending to be married and then trying to kill each other just doesn’t seem possible.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Mr. & Mrs. Smith preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? June 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Ken Watanabe, Katie Holmes, Rutger Hauer, Batman
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? A mentally ill man uses his fortune and modern fabrics to turn himself into a crime fighting bat.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Christopher Nolan is directing and the movie is being done by the British who don’t screw things up. Let’s give them Superman and James Bond too while we’re at it.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Batman Begins preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? June 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? The biggest.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? There really is life on Mars… and it’s fussy.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? The first teaser trailer uses a voice over lifted directly from page one, paragraph one of the classic novel.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full War of the Worlds preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? July 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? No way.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Stretchy man brings happiness to three roomates. Metal faced man jealous.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Because The Incredibles has already made this movie irrelevant. Check it out to watch them scrambling to keep up.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Fantastic Four preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? July 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Will Ferrell and Tom Cruise’s ex.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? A man wakes up one day to find that he’s suddenly played by a different actor.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Will Ferrell is funnier than you and his ass is prettier.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Bewitched preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? July 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Not Gene Wilder.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? A race of little people enslaved and forced to work in the candy mines. Willy Wonka conducts tours where children are encouraged to make fun of them.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? Because the original is disturbed genius.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Charlie and the Chocolate Factory preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? July or September 2005 depending on who you ask
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Steve Martin, Beyonce Knowles, Jean Reno, Kevin Kline
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Steve Martin gives up on life.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? To see Martin’s new low.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Pink Panther preview page.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT? July 2005
BIG STARS ON BOARD? Sean William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Jessica Simpson
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Redneck rumrunners square off against civil servants with eating disorders.
WHY SHOULD I CARE? The TV show innovated new ways to expose female ass cheeks and made a symbol of slavery and oppression part of quirky, fun pop culture. The movie could re-invigorate the short-shorts industry and increase the sales of dynamite arrows.
HOW DO I MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE FOR JOSH? Click here to check out our full Dukes of Hazzard preview page.
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