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Summer is coming! Summer is coming! How do I know? Elementary calendar skills, a little warm sun on my back and big budget flicks coming like hotcakes. This week we reacquaint ourselves with the Men in Black and learn why nuclear power plants need a fair bit of oversight.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Men in Black III
I’m not necessarily a conspiracy theorist. There was no second shooter on the grassy knoll, Neil Armstrong actually planted his NASA Nikes on the moon, Elvis is dead as a doornail and all that jive. But one conspiracy I can completely get behind is aliens plopping down on Earth and now living among us. Why so confident? There is literally no other way to explain my next door neighbor. No possible way his three hundred pound frame, weird buggy eyes, greasy hair, and inhumanly surly attitude come from this planet. There’s just no chance. So yeah, aliens are out there among us people.
And that’s why we need the Men in Black. We don’t necessarily need a trilogy of flicks about them per say, but having dudes like Agents K and J rolling around with those little memory flash sticks and some other high end gadgets isn’t a bad thing. And they’re back this week for the third installment of the MIB series, nearly fifteen years after the first film. This time Will Smith needs to, like, fight aliens and stuff, but in the past. The premise is probably less important than the different versions of silly aliens, futuristic guns and one-liners. Hell, it’s a Will Smith vehicle. Plot takes a back seat baby.
Barry Sonnenfield directed the first two flicks in the franchise (91% and 39% respectively) while also at the helm for pieces of crap like RV (24%) and Big Trouble (29%). So he’s not exactly a pillar of excellence in the industry. But some early reviews have this film at least outperforming the sequel and I think it’ll stick above the fifty percent line when all’s said and done. Maybe we’ll even get a new Will Smith rap song out of it. The Rotten Watch for Men in Black III is
There are certain people-trapped-in-horror-movie scenarios that make me feel bad for the victims. Out partying in a remote cabin and get stalked by a serial killer? That sucks. Off on a road trip and get kidnapped by a crazed mad man? Bad luck. Buy a new house only to find it’s haunted? Bad real estate investment, I know what that’s like. But this week a movie comes where I don’t have one ounce of pity for these f@#$ing idiots. I hope the movie ends with them all dying. They deserve it for opting to tour the site of a cataclysmic nuclear disaster, for fun. And they didn’t think it would end in complete and utter carnage? Nice job dummies.
Chernobyl Diaries, written by Paranormal Activity’s Oren Peli, is the story of a bunch of dopey kids who want to cross a few radioactive hotbeds off their bucket list. Bradley Parker directs his first major film after working on the visual effects side for a bunch of flicks. And, I mean, the movie doesn’t look all that horrible, but the premise is bananas.
Horror movies like this are tough to gauge ahead of time. They need to click on all cylinders to garner any real critical praise. And faulty plot line aside, it doesn’t look all bad. Visually, Parker seems to set a nice tone and I’m sure there will be more than a few jump-from-your-seat moments. But this genre is a tough critical nut to crack. I think the movie falls on the negative end. The Rotten Watch for Chernobyl Diaries is
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?
Recapping last week:
Let’s start with the flicks we had a head start on:
The Dictator (Predicted: 69% Actual: 61%)
Battleship (Predicted: 43% Actual: 36%)
Neither of these will count on the Rotten Resume seeing as how a bunch of reviews were in already. Considering how much info I had going in, these scores probably should have been a little closer to the mark.
Meanwhile, What to Expect When You’re Expecting (Predicted: 35% Actual: 22%) was a near miss. Twenty-two percent is an abysmal score, and judging by how bad the trailer seemed, I should have gone lower with my prediction. This one falls just outside the ten percent range.
Next week we’ve got a poorly titled dance flick, a Mexican war that isn’t drug related and another version of Snow White. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!
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