If you walk into a Wal-Mart on April 15th and look on their DVD shelves, probably way at the back, you’ll see copies of Uwe Boll’s most recent flop In the Name of the King. And if none of your friends are around and you’re not too ashamed to be spotted by vested Wal-Marters looking at it, pick it up and look at the cover. You’ll see a quote from CinemaBlend.com on the front. Apparently I called it a “Grand, epic, adventure.” No I was not drunk.
Why us? They didn’t really have any other option. Out of the hundreds of people who reviewed In the Name of the King, I was quite literally the only one who liked it. You’re welcome Uwe Boll, for saving your movie from the dreaded 0% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It happens to every critic. Once in awhile we all go off half-cocked and proclaim something which everyone else seems to think is a turd as “not that bad”. This week on Ebert & Roeper for instance, guest host Michael Phillips inexplicably came down in favor of 10,000 B.C., an offense for which he should probably be thrown under the rampaging feet of a badly animated, CGI wooly mammoth.
On the other hand, film reviews would be pretty damn boring if we all had the same, cookie-cutter opinions. Every once in awhile one of us goes out on a limb, and the limb breaks off, plummeting us into a river filled with hungry, man-eating half-crazed, hysterical fanboys. Eat me alive if you must, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I liked In the Name of the King, and here are a few other movies you probably hate but that I gave glowing reviews to:
xXx: 89 of the 168 critics who reviewed it on RottenTomatoes called it varying shades of crap. 79 gave it positive ratings, which might not seem so bad, except that few of them had the fortitude to call Vin Diesel “legit, a titan among ass kickers.” Even though he’s since had dalliances with ducks, and though my Diesel man crush has long since been replaced by an Apatow obsession, I’m standing by his status, in this film at least, as an ass kicking, fist pounding giant. If only he’d stuck with it. If only anyone besides me still liked xXx. Remember, this was before Bond’s triumphant return in Casino Royale, and right about the same time the first Bourne movie got rolling. Stallone and Arnie were retired and the one man action genre was pretty clearly in the toilet. In an action movie drought, xXx quenched my thirst.
Grandma’s Boy: In early 2006, with everyone busy screaming at each other over whether Crash or Brokeback Mountain would win best picture, Grandma’s Boy drifted into theaters and was almost universally ignored. Those who didn’t ignore it didn’t exactly have nice things to say about it. Bruce Kirkland of someplace called Jam! Movies said quite simply “it stinks”, and in the process did a pretty solid job of summing up the critical consensus. For me though, it’s one of those movies that still gets funnier every time I see it. Joel David Moore is hilarious as a billionaire game designer who likes to pretend he’s a robot, and the movie has Linda Cardellini whose inherent hotness automatically adds at least a star to any movie she’s in. And though subsequent cameos have proven me dead wrong about this, at the time I was ready to declare Allan Covert as tragically underrated. Well he isn’t, but for one shining moment he was greatness.
The Chronicles of Riddick: Obviously, Vin Diesel and I once had a very close relationship. In 2004 Riddick was savaged by critics and ended up as one of the year’s biggest box office flops, but one lonely little voice, mine, had the audacity to call it a masterpiece. Whoops? Maybe not. Even with the distance of years to dim it, I still like Riddick and stand by my praise of it. The film’s opening sequence alone justifies its existence, a brilliantly filmed chase sequence in which Riddick, on foot, manages to defeat and capture an attacking spacecraft. It’s an ambitious epic, one which deserves more credit than it gets if only because, even if you don’t think it ever achieves liftoff, it’s reaching for the stars.
The Hot Chick: I’m starting to notice a pattern here. It would seem I’m a sucker for movies that either feature Vin Diesel, or gorgeous Hollywood actresses. Put some hair on Vinnie, and maybe there’s no difference. The Hot Chick has Rachel McAdams, but here she’s just a bonus. Whatever kind of awful, comedic black hole he’s become in recent years, Rob Schneider used to have a something. Come on, this is the guy who was the one nearly good thing about Judge Dredd. Granted he was only good because he spent the movie making fun of it, but at least someone involved with the production knew how much it was going to suck. He’s good in The Hot Chick too. Look it’s hard to defend Rob Schneider, he’s a knuckle dragging idiot, but in The Hot Chick he made me laugh. Any comedy that can do, no matter how stupid it is, I have to call a success.
Fantastic Four: If there’s one movie in this list that I’m most ready to defend it’s Fantastic Four, a superhero movie which, free from the cynicism of modern superhero flicks, suffered for daring to be heroically naïve and innocent. Audiences turned out to see it, but 140 out of 190 RT critics crapped all over it, leaving me one of the few voices championing it as light, satisfying, blockbuster entertainment. Critics bemoaned the film’s lack of depth, and pointed to the dark, gritty superhero flicks which were popular then and have become even more popular since, as the way it ought to be done. There’s nothing wrong with a Batman Begins, but every once in awhile it’s nice to have a superhero flick that delivers pure, uncomplicated fun. And whatever its flaws, that’s exactly what Fantastic Four and it’s even better sequel bring to the table. I may be the only one, but I’ll defend it to the death. Or if not to the death at least until Jessica Alba is forced to take off her clothes to go invisible again. Hubba hubba.
