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The Fear Monger: Zombeavers! Killer Mimes! Martin Sheen In A Horror Movie!

Happy weekend, defacers of all things delicate. Am I the only one that wants to destroy things because there isn’t any football this weekend? If only the new horror flicks on VOD and streaming were as violent and filled with things named after animals.

While we have another faux six weeks of winter because the groundhog saw his shadow, I’d rather have six more weeks of amazing claymation from Trent Shy, who continues to take the artform by its throat and swing it around in glee. Here’s his reference-filled advert for the upcoming Crimson Screen Horror Film Festival in Charleston, South Carolina.

In other quick cut news, Blumhouse and Universal Home Entertainment will be dumping Captain America director Joe Johnston’s thriller Not Safe For Work onto DVD on April 15, just in time to remind you about your taxes. As well, hard rocker Marilyn Manson went to Twitter to announce his long-gestating Phantasmagoria: The Visions of Lewis Carroll project, which he wrote the screenplay for, is finally in production, with Manson himself in the role of Carroll. And on that note, let’s move on to what will inevitably be less frightening news.

Self-Aware Horror Comedy Zombeavers Debuts Trailer and Poster

Some horror comedies, like The Cabin in the Woods, need deep meta philosophy behind the story being told in order to achieve success. And then there are some movies, like Zombeavers, that need nothing more than a ridiculously simple and solid hook: beavers that come back from the dead to murder the shit out of a group of people looking for a good time…in a cabin. This first trailer, via BloodyDisgusting, is a rip-roaring good time simply because it seems to adhere to this goofy premise without leaving room for anything else. Plus, it’s got special effects shots like "beaver catches fire as it bites into an electrical socket" and "girl’s front teeth fall out as beaver teeth push out of her gums." Class. Ic.

Zombeavers is the directorial debut from writer and stand-up comic Jordan Rubin, who has written for several MTV Movie Awards, Craig Kilborn, Crank Yankers and The Man Show. He co-wrote the script with musicians Al and Jon Kaplan, who composed the music for Piranhaconda!!! Also, it’s got production company BenderSpinks (The Ring, We’re the Millers) behind it. The film is being shopped around at the European Film Market, and somebody had better pick this thing up unless they want a "dam" fine way to lose a foot. Check out the new poster below and cross your front teeth that this pic gets snatched up and released soon.

zombeavers poster

the quiet ones poster

The Quiet Ones Puts Out Awesome Poster With Its U.K. Trailer

In this world of increasingly Photoshopped posters, you can usually count on horror films to deliver artwork that steps outside the box for something different, and Hammer Films’ The Quiet Ones has done just that. Star Olivia Cooke, who plays the central mystery Jane, is seen with a bunch of…stuff coming off of her. Is it fire? Ghosts? Plants? Part of the fun is not knowing. I don’t know if it looks as unspeakable as the film’s tagline describes it, but it’s rather undescribable.

Jane is the subject of a paranormal experiment at Oxford University run by a professor (Jared Harris) who thinks he and a team of fearless students can induce a poltergeist spawning from the girl’s fractured psyche. What they don’t consider, of course, is that major damage can’t always be undone. And in this case, the damage includes a whole world of paranormal distress and misery. I can’t wait to see this one, as it looks to be a film that eschews fake-out scares for a barrage of constant WTF-ness. Plus, I can use it as a blueprint to figure out what to do with this quiet and subdued girl that appeared in my backyard a few days ago. Check out the new U.K. trailer below, which doesn’t really offer any new footage, but streamlines the stuff we’ve already seen.

martin sheen

Trollhunter Director Teams With Martin Sheen For The Autopsy of Jane Doe

If you gave me a year of naming director/actor combinations for a spooky horror flick, I don’t think I would ever have arrived at André Øvredal and Martin Sheen. In the first place, Øvredal’s breakout film Trollhunter, while certainly a genre film, is more whimsically nontraditional, and Sheen definitely isn’t known for his scary chops. All that said, this could be a pretty amazing combination if the story from Ian B. Goldberg (Once Upon a Time) and newcomer Richard Naing is any good.

Coming from Goldcrest Films, 42 and Imposter Pictures, the titular Autopsy will be performed on a homicide victim who doesn’t appear to have any cause of death. Small town mortician Tommy (Sheen) and his son try to determine how she died as well as her identity, but a series of baffling clues reveal this Jane Doe has a few secrets that are better left undiscovered. The film is set to start production in London this summer, with more casting announcements coming soon. Dear God, if they cast Charlie Sheen to play his son, I will go and stand outside the theater a year before it comes out.

You Will Fear Paris With This Upcoming Anthology From All-Star Filmmakers

Above you’ll find the stunningly produced concept trailer for the upcoming anthology horror Fear Paris, which will use the normally romantic city as the setting for some interconnected stories of debauchery and murder. This project was first announced back in 2010 under the name Paris, I’ll Kill You, which is the line that the newly-voiced mime speaks at the end of the clip. I really love this thing, as it could absolutely serve as a standalone short film, and it finally gives mimes an element of badassery. Fake axes and chainsaws will do that.

The somewhat revised list of directors, via THR, includes Gremlins director Joe Dante, Hitman’s Xavier Gens and Iron Sky’s Timo Vuorensola on board, with two more directors to follow. (Not sure if the IMDb page for the film is current.) The visual effects will come from Moon’s production designer Tony Noble, Harry Potter make-up and prosthetics artist Kristyan Mallet, and Frankenstein’s Army director Richard Raaphorst will handle concept designs; and if you’ve seen the crazy awesome monsters he personally created for that film, you know why this is exciting. Plus, effects companies Pixomondo (Hugo) and Prime Focus (Gravity) are also in the line-up. Casting is now underway and filming is set to begin in the summer or fall.

Trailer For Skype-Based Horror The Den Actually Looks Interesting

I hate to use a headline with a backhanded compliment like that, but Paranormal Activity 4 left an impenetrably terrible taste in my mouth for films taking a more limited approach to found-footage. The feature debut from director Zach Donahue, The Den centers on Elizabeth (Melanie Papelia), a student who attempts to study the users of a video-chat site for her graduate thesis, but things take a bloody turn when she stumbles across a brutal murder. It is of course initially blown off as a prank, but when the murderer comes after Elizabeth and her loved ones, it’s obvious that the threat is legit.

This kind of story was told really well in Michael Costanza’s virtually unreleased film 2002 thriller The Collingswood Story, and this looks like that film made with a slightly bigger budget. Plus, the actress reminds me of Ellie Kemper, which is superficial but it helps. But then it also looks like the abysmal killer thriller Smiley, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see where this one falls. Find it in three theaters and on VOD starting March 14. Check out a foreign poster for the film below.

the den poster

Nick Venable

Nick is a Cajun Country native, and is often asked why he doesn't sound like that's the case. His love for his wife and daughters is almost equaled by his love of gasp-for-breath laughter and gasp-for-breath horror. A lifetime spent in the vicinity of a television screen led to his current dream job, as well as his knowledge of too many TV themes and ad jingles.