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I’m still working off this chill from sub freezing temperatures over this last week but its time to warm up these magic fingertips and get to the movies of the week. This time around its warm bodies and bullets to the head.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Bullet to the Head
In the sports world there's quite a dialogue about performance enhancing drugs and how they destroy the integrity of competition. (I’m looking at you Lance) Oh the outcry, the humanity, the pundits preaching down from on high condemning anyone who tries to gain a competitive edge. But not in the movie world. Who cares what actors and actresses do to “enhance performance”. (Boob jobs, Botox, and maybe the occasional muscle builder) Granted I have no proof of anything, but this is all to say Sylvester Stallone is juicing right? This guy is sixty-six years old, born a year after World War II ended, and in this flick he’s ripped to the bejeezus, tattooed for youthful effect, and really looking no worse for wear. It’s a marvel of our times and I’m convinced he’s getting a little “help”. There’s no other explanation right? And it’s fine with me. Everyone needs a little edge in today’s game.
In Bullet to the Head (based on the French graphic novel Du Plomb Dans La Tet), Sly plays Jimmy Bobo (not to be confused with Rocky Balboa) teamed with Sung Kang on a mission to kill pretty much anyone who shares screen time with the two. It looks like a bloodbath, all with Stallone icing guys half his age. Between him and Arnie (speaking of steroids) in The Last Stand, old men are taking back Hollywood.
Walter Hill directs. Back in the day this guy had a sick run with flicks like 48 Hrs., The Warriors, and Rotten guilty pleasure Brewster’s Millions. But unlike acting, maybe directing is a young man’s game. His last two big screen directing gigs were uninspiring and more than a decade ago with Undisputed (48%) and Supernova (37%). The early reviews of his latest are mixed, with some almost apologetically enjoying it and others contending its a step above caveman level. I think as more reviews roll in the score will drop below the fifty percent mark but it won’t be from lack of effort on Sly’s part. That guy looks like he’s doing everything he can. The Rotten Watch for Bullet to the Head is
There’s a running joke around our house that if/when the zombie apocalypse is in its earliest stages we will know because Mrs. Rotten Week’s immune system is the equivalent of an locked front door. Anything that wants to get through can and does. She’ll be among the first “turned”. Here’s to hoping the zombie takeover can be thwarted in the way R and Julie presuppose, through a healthy dose of love. I’ve already promised to come for her, I’ll be fine, this immune system is Fort Knox.
Based on the book by Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies deals with zombie R and his growing self-awareness, especially in relation to his feelings for Julie, a zombie hunter looking to take back the world. While it may look like a zombie flick, and I mean it is one, Warm Bodies is a love story, a romantic comedy with the apocalypse as a backdrop. Appearing to adhere to many zombie conventions, it seems as if director Jonathan Levine (50/50-93%) has stuck to the comedic angle (much like Zombieland) and made a flick that’ll resonate with the teenage crowd for whom it’s intended. (Vampires are so last year). Early reviews find a slightly flawed but endearing, romantic comedy. And while the trailer didn’t resonate with me personally, that’s fine, I’m not the target audience. his is a story about undead teenage love, another one. And if love can overcome the zombie gene then not to worry Mrs. Rotten Week, I’ll be coming for ya. The Rotten Watch for Warm Bodies is
Which Rotten movie will have the highest final Tomatometer score?
Recapping last week:
Gross. Just gross. My predictions, these movies, just everything has a faint hint of garbage. And that’s even counting a near bullseye. First of all, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (Predicted: 45% Actual: 15%) was an atrocity. I spent a fair bit of time ripping on fairy tales, thinking this movie would suck and then didn’t have the cojones to give a basement prediction. I’ll grow them back one day. One day. But you know it’s a crazy week when fifteen percent doesn’t even get you close to the worst of the bunch.
Bringing us to Movie 43 (Predicted: 50% Actual: 5%). Whooo boy. Wow. I admitted to not having much of a feel about this thing. I knew it’d been delayed but I attributed it to the “star” power needing time to line up. But man was that wrong. Five percent?! It’s already in the running for worst of the year.
Finally, Parker (Predicted: 38% Actual: 37%) was right about on the money. Thank you Jason Statham for bringing just a little bit of mediocre consistency just when I needed it the most.
Next time around there’s side effects with stolen identities. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!