Just when I’m overdoing it a bit with my t-shirt out on the deck this past weekend because the temperature had finally climbed above 55 degrees, I hear it’s going to snow this week! Come on world. At least there are some decent flicks starting to pop up to offer some relief. This week we’ve got floods and drug cartels.

Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.

Noah movie poster
Rotten Watch Prediction
If one night I were to start having visions of the end of the world, a rapture of sorts, replete with heavy volumes of water cascading over this once great Earth, well I would know something. I would know the big guy upstairs had a plan for me. This was a message for me to do what needed be done: Head on down to the local marina and make sure plenty of gas was in my Azimut Atlantis 58 and that the bar was was fully stocked. Those visions would also mean He’d want me to tool it down to the islands for a spell. What else could He be trying to say? Good things shouldn’t go to waste and it’s been too long since I’ve been out on the sea. For Noah? The visions meant a little something different.

Want to see the flood? Check out the trailer for Noah:



For his visions, Noah sets out to build a big ass boat, and grab two of every living thing as the water washes out a generally unthankful human existence. (We could probably use another one of those soon) It’s the story from Genesis and frankly, this flick looks pretty damn good. Directed by Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan-87%, The Wrestler-98%), Noah marks a shift for him into a big budget, big spectacle affair. And it looks like he mostly pulls it off. You know I mean it because when I first heard they were making this story into a movie I thought it sounded ridiculous.

It looks like, first and foremost, Aronofsky nailed the lead perfectly with Russell Crowe playing a generally reluctant but strong titular character. Additionally, the tone, setting and scope all seem to be there as well, a darker film full of impending doom. I’m intrigued. Not gaga. But intrigued.

Early reviews are generally positive though not overwhelmingly so. The tenor of most is that the film is ambitious and well done, but with its flaws. That is to say: it isn’t perfect. I think reviews trend well over the course of the week with people lauding Crowe’s performance but having reservations about much Aronofsky tries to accomplish. And remember, when the rains starting falling head on down to the pier. I’ll try and squeeze you in.
Rotten Watch Prediction
Reasons I would make a good DEA agent (from what I’ve deduced from movies):

1. I’m cocky but in a jovial, fun-loving kind of way.

2. I’m good at yelling, "Clear!!!" when entering a room.

3. I wear hats backwards.

4. I can grow a variety of styles of facial hair to match my "personality"

5. I like to drink celebratory beers after a good bust (or whatever they call it)

I’m not sure if these things are on the job application, but from a variety of movies, it looks like they are critical attributes for successfully apprehending drug bad guys.

See what else you need to be a good DEA agent from the TV spot for Sabotage...



Arnold Schwarzenegger stays in his lane. I appreciate this about him. His movie roles rarely deviate from his persona, making most of what he’s done eminently watchable. He even stayed in his lane while in office, embracing the Governator tag and basically running California much the same as if he were playing a character who’d looked and sounded like Arnie getting elected to political office. It’s amazingly meta. Just thinking about who was running the state, was it Schwarzenegger or Schwarzenegger playing Schwarzenegger? See what I mean?

Anyway, here he is again, basically playing himself but this time as the head of a DEA task force that gets caught up in a sting gone kind of bad after money they seize goes missing. (Another reason I’d be a good DEA Agent is I’d definitely not touch all the confiscated cash. It’d be all about the job for me.) Arnie and his squad commence on a cartel killing spree as the hunted become the hunters. It’s basically just your standard action movie, this one with a real strong cast.

Director David Ayers is another guy who stays in his lane. He writes and directs cop movies that deviate just enough from the norm as to make them at worst pretty watchable and at best, really good. He penned Training Day (72%) and Dark Blue (58%) and directed End of Watch (85%). Ayers has some duds in there, but that’ll happen when doing much the same thing all the time.

I think his latest finishes sub 50% with critics, but is a quality popcorn watch nonetheless. And it’ll give me more things I can add to my DEA cover letter.
vote
Which movie will get a higher Tomato score?
RESULTS


last rotten week One hit and miss from last time around. Divergent (Predicted: 44% Actual: 40%) was right on the mark. It wasn’t a great movie, but far from the bottom of the barrel. More importantly though, I was close to dead on with the prediction. Sean O’Connell (a dude not exactly in this film’s target demo) gave it three and a half stars and felt it was a fine first installment of the franchise. Plus, if you’ve seen the movie be sure to check out Jessica Rawden’s piece that breaks down the major differences between the book and movie. Meanwhile, Muppets Most Wanted (Predicted: 53% Actual: 77%) didn’t take the dip I thought it would over the course of the week. It remained super solid and really only fell a few percentage points. From the early reviews I was expecting the majority of critics to come in near the middle. This didn’t happen though Eric Eisenberg gave it three and a half stars in his review. Eric contributed to my prediction being well off.

Next time around we’ve got Captain America in winter. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!
 

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