Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation (Unrated)

The following message is intended for all current or aspiring filmmakers: A sequel is a literary work or movie that is complete in itself, but continues the narrative of a preceding work. I send this message out to the general public because there are some people that believe if you put the number “2” next to the title of a cult classic made 24 years ago, you suddenly have its long-awaited sequel . Unfortunately, just because you use the same plot outline and title does not mean you’ve created anything other than direct-to-video crap. I am a Tom Hanks fan. I have liked just about everything I’ve seen him in, with the exception of Bonfire of the Vanities and The Ladykillers. One of my favorite Hanks movies is the 1984 cult classic Bachelor Party. Is it the best movie ever made? No, of course not. But, it’s one of those movies that has a simple, predictable story and some things that you’ll never forget - like a donkey doing lines of cocaine in a hotel room. It is reasons like this that I cannot stand a first-time director deciding to revisit a memorable ‘80s movie and give it a “sequel” that has nothing to do with the original.

Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation tries to be funny. It’s not. Bachelor Party 2 tries to be crazier, raunchier, and more sinful than the original. It doesn’t come close. There is only one thing Bachelor Party 2 does more successful than its original: degrade a whole new generation of young, attractive, and mostly large-breasted, women. Other than that, the only thing that is remotely similar to the 1984 Bachelor Party is the plot. A man named Ron (Josh Cooke) is set to marry his girlfriend of two months, Melinda (Sara Foster). Before he sets down the path of monogamy, diaper changing, and the perfect sexless existence, there is the inevitable bachelor party, in this case thrown by his soon-to-be brother-in-law, Todd (Warren Christie), who just wants to keep Ron away from the family company he is in line to take over. Once in Miami Beach, Todd sets up a weekend of debauchery for Ron and his three closest friends – Seth (Danny Jacobs), a nerdy guy who smells perfume for a living; Jason (Greg Pitts), who is a sex-obsessed bum; and Derek (Harland Williams), a divorced father of three kids. It’s a weekend of strip golf, strip clubs, stripper fights, drinking and, well, anything that will force a woman to take her top off.

The Last Temptation tries to be a modern-day raunch film (example: American Pie) mixed with that new, hip random and edgy humor (example: anything Ryan Reynolds sucks at). It doesn’t work. What are some of the “new” twists to this Bachelor Party? Well, there’s your garden variety of poop jokes, a gay male strippers at a bachelorette party, stripping flight attendants, great-grandma talking sex with a black man, German girls from a Miami hostel saluting Hitler and reading Mein Kampf, infantile sex jokes (including an entire group of people belonging to a group called Sex Addicts Anonymous), constant divorce and alimony jokes, and run-of-the-mill chauvinistic and stereotypical humor that will make you cringe as opposed to laugh. Did I forget to mention that Seth, the nerdy Jew of the group, takes an entire bottle of Viagra, doesn’t die, and tries to please himself with some sort of electrical mopping device, because his arms are above his head because he fell off the airplane ramp and broke both his arms.

This film seems like it is a way for director James Ryan and writer Jay Longino to see things that they could never see in their own lives – naked women. I mean, what other reason is there for making a film like this? It’s not funny, it’s not well-written, it’s poorly acted, and it’s a ridiculous waste of time, money, and effort by anyone involved. The reason the movie is this bad is because the director and writers decide to focus on the wrong things. Bachelor parties are about male bonding. Yes, gambling, strippers, golf, and what-not are involved, but it’s guys doing these things together. This movie focuses on the plan to bring Ron down, and it’s a stupid story line. It’s not creative and it has nothing to do with the party itself – it’s just an elaborate set up. Just because you put a group of guys in a nice setting with some naked women and a lot of liquor does not mean comedy ensues. I think a successful “sequel” could have been made if there wasn’t so much focus on the things men want really want to see as opposed to a solid story that develops into why we should care about this.

Bachelor Party 2 is basically a Girls Gone Wild DVD with less plot and more men. The film makes women look whorish, stupid, ditzy, and willing to do anything for any guy (for any amount of money). The original never went as far as its “sequel,” mainly because it didn’t have to. It was a funny movie, made the right way – it was crazy, but not too crazy. There were women, but their dignity, for the most part, was kept intact. Unfortunately, this “sequel” tries to stand alone with the same name and it fails miserably. There is a reason Bachelor Party 2 is going directly to DVD and will never be seen in theaters – it’s not an original. Heck, it’s not even a “sequel.” The only temptation you will have to stick around and watch the features on this disc is if you’re into S&M, because, like the movie, it’s torture. There are a lot better things you can do with your time than stick around to watch the extras. You know, like, sew, fix the gutters on your house, play with a stapler, do a search for old friends on the Internet, learn origami, or even watch a good movie.

In “Analysis of a Stripper Fight” you will hear one of the most disturbing things in your life: The voice of director James Ryan. I am not saying this because I hate his movie, or because I hate him for directing it, but I say it because his voice will pierce your eardrums to the point where you believe they’re bleeding. He has this high-pitched squeal for a voice, almost like someone dragging a knife across a chalkboard. Chills went down my spine when he said that it was obvious the main characters would go to a strip club, and they would “unintentionally” be involved in a stripper fight. First of all, the stripper fight was Todd’s fault (he offered $10,000 to the stripper to do a little “extra” to Ron, so he could tell his sister-in-law of her soon-to-be husband’s infidelity). Second of all, what analysis do we need on a stripper fight? The title "stripper fight" kind of tells us all we need to know. Strippers, women who take their clothes off in front of men, and often women, fought. It’s a tough concept to handle, but I think we’d make it without the “analysis.”

“The Party Never Stops – The Making of Bachelor Party 2,” talks about the evolution of bachelor parties. They talk about the re-imagining of Bachelor Party. Granted, I would love my bachelor party to include some of the events that took place in either Bachelor Party flick, but it just doesn’t translate well when you’re using the name of a Tom Hanks cult classic to try and get people to watch it. I understand the desire to make a new flick about bachelor parties, but this is not realistic. Setting up cameras to catch your soon-to-be brother-in-law cheating with a hooker? I am all for the re-imagination of Bachelor Party, just not by these people, because all they care about is the T&A, which is fine, but it doesn’t make for a good movie.

“Gag Reel & Gags” is very long – it is broken up into various sections and the feature lasts about 17 minutes in its entirety. I admit, there are some funny moments here and there – actually, some moments a lot funnier than what appeared in the movie (which isn’t hard, considering I only chuckled once or twice during the film). Is it worth watching? Not really, but if I had a choice of watching these terrible actors screw up lines or watch the stripper fight analysis, I think I’d take the gag reel. Honestly, though, I think I’d rather watch Glitter.

The last feature is a commentary by director and co-writer James Ryan, and actors Warren Christie, Greg Pitts, Harland Williams, Danny Jacobs, and Josh Cooke. Do I really need to spell this out to you? You have six people, one of which has a voice like squeaking mouse and a brain the size of a bread crumb (hint: I’m referring to the director), none of which are women, talking about a bad movie about bachelor parties. Honestly, I would rather be strapped to a chair in my dentist’s office while he drills holes in my teeth without a numbing agent and the television on the wall had a segment of The View is on repeat where they’re talking about the benefits of feminine hygiene products. Thank God Rosie is gone; now if only Bachelor Party 2 would follow her.