Sony Violently Rapes 17 Billion Orphans

A few days ago, I was browsing through the horrible muck splattered across the N4G frontpage, looking for anti-Microsoft articles so I could turn on my caps lock and smash my own face across my keyboard until I could make something like a comment pop out (much like many of the other N4G users). In my drunken fanboy rage, I stumbled across this delightful article by, titled "Sony Gives 64 million Gamers the Finger." The article was discussing the recent and horrific deal that Atari and Sony made with Satan himself, in which Ghostbusters: The Video Game will now be (in Europe only) published on Sony platforms before any other.

I admit, this news gave me a healthy dose of righteous anger. Now, some silly fools might ask "so what?" and I spit upon the grandparents of these people. Anyone who can't see the significance of such a blasphemous act is clearly some sort of Microsoft crack whore. Now, I’ve done some quick maths and, not including the potentially limitless PC market, that is approximately 17 billion British orphans (that is combined European, Australian, and Kentuckian sales of DS, Wii, Atari 2600, and X360 consoles) who’ve just been mounted and raped by Sony.

That’s 17 billion enthusiastic gamers given an uppercut to the crotch that has a flaming Sony logo burned with hellfire onto the knuckle, slightly above a tattoo of a dead baby.

Sony is totally setting a horrible precedent here. What if Microsoft suddenly decided to get timed exclusive releases? Imagine a world where the only place you could get new DLC for Grand Theft Auto IV would be the 360? Such an idea keeps me up every night, tossing and turning in my bed until the wee hours of the morning. If that were to happen, the odds are good that I would become depressed, lose my family in an unrelated boating accident, and eventually give up on life.

Only God can now help the European 360 owners who will have to wait a little bit longer to partake in the holy glory of Ghostbusters. As everyone knows, movie games like this one are the absolute highest-quality products in the gaming industry, and Ghostbusters will undoubtedly revolutionize the entire world with its heart-stopping originality, thought-provoking plot, and characters so unique that I'll personally set fire to the front yard of everyone who doesn't love it.

Sure, we’re looking at a bleak future here: but it is out there now. It is done. And for what?