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The Biggest Loser: No Excuses Watch - Season Finale

I have mentioned several times already that this will be my last season recapping The Biggest Loser, and with this week being the season finale, this will be my final recap. I find myself quite relieved, not just because this has been an interminably long season, filled with undesirable characters, drama queens, divas and truly unmemorably moments, but because I think I’ve finally succumbed to recap fatigue. I’ve been recapping this show for three seasons now, and there’s really not much left in it for me.

I do not know how many more seasons this show has in its tank. It has improved so much since the early seasons, when more focus was put on winning than on getting healthy and staying that way. The show still serves as a beacon of hope to obese people everywhere, and I hope that it continues to be, but I can only wonder from this point forward just how much left it has to offer. There’s only so many ways to do a show like this, so many twists that can be implemented to make the game more interesting, before it “jumps the shark”. Some might argue that happened quite a while ago, but for me it has happened now.

Last week, almost all of the eliminated contestants (except for the three who quit over the course of the season) returned, all of them vying for the opportunity to join Conda and Kim in the Finals. Most of them looked much improved since leaving the Ranch, but in the end, it was Conda’s brother Jeremy, the last person eliminated and easily the most worthy person of the season with a viable shot at winning, who won that spot.

This was the finale, so I’ll skip all the pleasantries and just get down to the raw numbers. Not that there were many pleasantries… surprisingly, this finale was only an hour instead of the usual two. In fact, there were no pleasantries at all… all of the contestants walked on stage, showed off their new bodies, and between that an the weigh-in, that was it. Most of them didn’t even get to say any words, they were just rushed through like they were on a conveyor belt. One more thing this season effed up.

So, with the exception of Buddy, Mark and Joe, all of the eliminated players return. They all look great, and after some cursory hellos, one by one, they all take to the scale one final time. Here are the results.

Chism (Gray) - lost 103 pounds (-28.53%), now stands at 258.

Nancy (Orange) - lost 56 pounds (-25.81%), now stands at 161.

Cassandra (Orange) - lost 92 pounds (-38.49%), now stands at 147.

Ben (Brown) - lost 139 pounds (-35.10%), now stands at 257.

Daphne (Aqua, W8) - lost 88 pounds (-32.47%), now stands at 183.

I’m so happy for Chism, who is a really good kid (just wish his dad hadn’t been such a hardass…), who looks a million times more confident in his own skin than he did at the start of the season. He would still appear to have the most left to lose of all the contestants, given that his BMI puts him in the Obese Class II category (everyone else is at Class I or lower). And as for Cassandra, she looks amazing. I knew she would be one of the top contenders for the at-home prize, and I was right.

Next group: Adrian (Aqua) - lost 108 pounds (-29.19%), now stands at 262.

Emily (Pink) - lost 102 pounds (-38.64%), now stands at 162.

Megan (Purple) - lost 76 pounds (-29.34%), now stands at 183.

Kimmy (Purple) - lost 71 pounds (-32.42%), now stands at 148.

Gail (Yellow, W4) - lost 87 pounds (-27.02%), now stands at 235.

I’m very proud of Adrian and Daphne, both of whom looked like they hadn’t done much in the two months prior to the semifinal. And I’m also very proud of Cassandra and Emily, probably my two favorite female contestants, for turning in exceptional numbers themselves. I can’t believe how hawt all these girls are! Cassandra, Emily, and especially Megan. They are breathtaking. Anyway, by the tiniest of margins, Emily is now in the lead.

Final group:

Lauren (Yellow) - lost 89 pounds (-36.18%), now stands at 157.

Roy (Red) - lost 88 pounds (-28.76%), now stands at 218.

Christine (Red) - lost 77 pounds (-32.08%), now stands at 163.

Mike (Blue) - lost 160 pounds (-44.69%), now stands at 198.

I am amazed by Roy, who looks totally different. He’s trimmed the shit out of his Santa Claus beard, and now that the “bowl full o’ jelly” belly is now a bowl full o’… I don’t know, salad, maybe?... it’s a welcome change. And his wife Chris? Is a rail. She looks nothing like the frumpy, emotional wreck that walked onto the Ranch five months ago. Great for her. But Mike wins the $100,000 at home prize, with a dominating performance, and well deserved considering he spent only two weeks on the Ranch. Well done, Mike!

Some final numbers on this group: the fourteen of them started with a combined weight of 4,068 pounds, and now combined are only 2,732 pounds, having dropped 1,336 pounds between them. They went from an average weight of 290 to 195. That is just incredible. It makes me wish their journey from Week One until this point had been a lot more entertaining and inspirational.

And then, at long last, it’s time for the finalists to reveal themselves. First out is Conda, who looks sensational. I have not liked her at all this whole season, and I have said some pretty harsh things about her. All I can say now is that I hope that her gorgeous new body doesn’t inflate her already stout sense of self-entitlement she displayed all season.

Next out is Jeremy, who is so handsome now it hurts. Seriously, in half a year he’s gone from looking like Chunk from The Goonies to Mario Lopez. It’s terrific to look at. (Actually, I’m reminded of the weight Jonah Hill recently dropped prior to 21 Jump Street, and I commend his efforts, too.)

Last out is Kim. I don’t know if any contestant has left the Ranch with a lower BMI than Kim, and while she lost a tremendous amount of weight, she also looked incredibly haggard, as if the stress had taken its toll on her. Now, she looks like an Amazon, ready to crawl back into the wrestling ring again.

Truly, a great-looking trio of finalists. My money is still firmly on Jeremy, however. And so, at long last, the time has come to determine the winner.

Conda (Green) - lost 115 pounds (-39.12%), now stands at 179.

Kim (Pink) - lost 118 pounds (-46.83%), now stands at 134.

Jeremy (Green) - lost 199 pounds (-51.16% ), now stands at 190.

And that’s that. Jeremy becomes the thirteenth person to win The Biggest Loser. And I am ecstatic, because his victory saves the season from being a total write-off.

So what is in store for this show now? Well, I’m sure it will keep going. I hope two things above all: first, that they find a way to keep the TV audience interested without having to resort to the tired reality TV trope of inciting drama in order to pump up ratings; and second, that they select contestants who aren’t going to make me want to leap into my television and bitch-slap them.

In any case, in future seasons, if you want a recap of the show, you’ll have to come up with your own. Perhaps someone can take over for me? Thanks to all of you who have followed me over the last few seasons. Be sure to catch my review of the Amazing Race finale this Sunday, and stay tuned this summer for another great season of America’s Got Talent. Take care!