So this is the last episode of Nip/Tuck, ever. I don't know whether to scream with delight or cry...with delight. I realize I view this show through bile-colored glasses, and that fans may not like my views on things, but this has to go down as one of the most uneven shows in television history. That doesn't make it as bad as something like 'Til Death or The Forgotten though, because the show's layered awfulness is part of its charm and drama. I always thought the main fault was the writers' inability to grasp story arcs, both limited and extended. But I'll be damned if another show on network TV is going to show this much male ass and female side-boob, and that's something.

The hilarious throwaway patient plotline is as fleeting as any this season, so it's kind of a shame it made it to the finale, but so it goes. An aging Asian porn stud, slutty sluts hooked on each arm, is in to rid himself of a surgical scar left from heart surgery, to help his crossover to American XXX cinema. Later on, there's a well-delivered introduction scene from one of those film efforts, involving many women, in which our cockarate master dies of a heart attack after he plants his seed.

The episode actually begins with Matt returning from his wedding-halting tryst with Ava's leper-babynapping psycho self. Sean and Christian are bitter, even more so when Matt asks them to look after his own child while he accompanies Ava to Brazil to find a doctor for baby Raphael. (Grr...fucking moron.) Christian then goes behind Matt's back and promises Ava the surgery, but only if she leaves Matt alone. She agrees, and when she tells Matt, he doesn't believe it, and his wide eyes totally convey this. After the surgery, Ava is shattered when she learns that Raphael's scars won't fully disappear. So away she goes, and Sean becomes entirely invested in this child. Matt, meanwhile, dupes Christian into giving him back his daughter, and then meets up with Ava as she flees the country. I hope John Hensley picks through his future roles with the finest of tooth combs.

Taking part in Hiro's early-episode consult is none other than Liz, because the boys have finally...finally decided to add her name to the company: McNamara/Troy/Cruz. Even within the shape of this season, this should have come by now. Sean sets up a nursery within the clinic to care for Liz's child when it's born, and his over-anxiousness immediately makes Liz want to go away, because she apparently doesn't want her child to have anything to do with Sean. I can understand if she doesn't want him to father the child, but they're all friends, so she flipped a little too hard. But it only made Sean all the more hurt, because earlier in the episode, while baby-furniture shopping with Julia, she made him feel like shit. His real kids are leaving, and his sperm baby's homebody doesn't want him, so there's Raphael.

Christian sees how terrible Matt is as a person. Julia guilts him about Sean's most recent lapse in judgment. He sees Sean drink too much and pass out during their double-up sex scene with the two Asian poontangs. He's haunted by his own memories of Kimber disrespecting him. As the episode's end draws near, there's a lovely dinner scene where all the kids minus Matt, plus Liz, attend. Wilbur is an awesome kid! Annie looks like she's in a state of arrested development. (It's as Ann as the nose on plain's face. Now Arrested Development should have lasted seven season, I tell you.) Conner is just a little boy.

The next day, Christian sits Sean in the patient chair, and psychoanalyzes him. For once, Christian doesn't use malice or sarcasm to prove his point; he's just clear. He alerts Sean to the fact that the McNamara name is being removing from the business. Christian hands Sean two one-way plane tickets to Bucharest, from where Raphael was taken. Christian sees Sean's affection for Raphael and foresees a future where Sean realizes his dream of helping the underprivileged. It's a somber moment, particularly in the exchange:

Sean: And in six months, when I'm pining for the glamour of Hollywood?

Christian: We both know that's not going to happen. And besides, you'd have nothing to come back to.

And a brief moment is shared between the two men. Then Sean stares at the new desk sign, which now only reads "Troy/Cruz." Then Christian scrubs his hands alone, five o'clock shadow intact. And after the sloppy reveal of Matt and Ava, there's a very understated and almost bland scene between Sean and Christian. Small talk is shared through an airport hallway, and a short goodbye. Sean is the only one that looks back. Oh, Sean, we knew you'd be the one to look, you big softie! Final scene: Christian alerting a pretty lady that he's a plastic surgeon. Circles, people, circles!

We've had some good times. We've had some bad times, particularly mime times and crazy teddy bear lady times. And while I can't think of a recurring character that I actually wished good things for (even Liz is annoying now), I wish Portia de Rossi's character would have gotten some side-boob time. That has nothing to do with this episode. I wish the finale could have been more centered, and that the other bits and pieces could have been filtered out before now, but I rarely get what I want. I like that nothing was melodramatic, and that no final lines were drawn anywhere. These people are going to keep doing the things they do, and that's okay. Farewell, Sean and Christian. We'll see you in syndication.

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