For about the fifth time since all this Charlie Sheen nonsense started, John Stamos has denied having any interest in taking over for the deposed star. Why the hell would he want to? Everyone thinks of Two And A Half Men as this cushy sitcom already sold into syndication, but without its principal star, it’s an aging horse hobbling to euthanasia. If it returns, it will do so to huge initial ratings, then the novelty will wear off and viewers will be left missing Charlie Sheen. What established star would risk probable career suicide for a gig that’s unlikely to last more than a year?

Alas, Two And A Half Men will almost definitely go on, likely with some mediocre borderline A-lister content to make a quick buck. It’ll fail. So, why not let Two And A Half Men fail epically? What’s the point of replacing Charlie Sheen with someone who plays him 80% as well? We want to see Two And A Half Men Hindenburg its last season, taking dogs, school children and any pretense of credibility down with it. We won’t watch it pretend to be something it isn’t, but we will soak up every last minute if it turns itself into an intentional B-sitcom and lives it up like a highly-budgeted episode of Rock Of Love. Here are seven and a half unlikely scenarios we’d endorse...

One and a Half Men and a Perfect Stranger

If you’re looking for a guy to play the “wackier” roommate, why not go for the veteran? From 1986 to 1993, spanning 150 episodes Bronson Pinchot played Balki Bartokomous on Perfect Strangers, the quintessential bizarre foreigner that turned his cousin Larry’s life upside down. There’s no need for Pinchot to play a different character, instead bring back everyone’s favorite Mypos native. Not only would it open the series up to cameos by Larry Appleton (aka Mark Linn-Baker), but it would also make room for connections to the Perfect Strangers spin-off, Family Matters, and you know what that means: more Urkel.

One and a Half Men and an Impeached President

Playing a fictionalized version of himself, Slick Willy Clinton would be transplanted to a parallel universe where he broke up with Hilary, lived out the rest of his Presidency giving chubby girls the Arkansas two step and truly embraced his counterculture popularity. In need of a change, he’d head out to Malibu and take up residence across the street from Alan and Jake where the three would foster an unlikely friendship consisting of watching sports, gaining weight and cruising for women at their favorite hangout, a local Lane Bryant. We’re also envisioning a regular sideplot where the three would do completely irresponsible things to the environment to piss off an overly nice Al Gore who desperately wants to be the fourth member of their posse.

One and a Half Men, Three Brothers and a Set of Race Car Beds

Charlie’s exit is likely to leave a pretty sizable hole in the series. One man may not be enough to fill it, which is why a set of brothers may be the way to go. In this scenario, Charlie and Alan have a set of long-lost cousins who come to town for a weekend and, due to a series of hilarious mishaps, end up taking up permanent residence in Charlie’s old room. Picture Joey, Matthew and Andy Lawrence all grown up, and climbing into side-by-side race car beds (or maybe three stacked bunk-beds). Let the sitcom shenanigans and inevitable catch-phrasing ensue. (If the Lawrence brothers aren’t available, the Jonas, Hanson or Baldwin brothers would also work in this scenario.).

Tyler Perry’s Madea and One and a Half Men

Oh no we didn’t! Sick of Atlanta and her familiar band of foolish hangers-on, Madea packs up for Malibu, taking that no-nonsense, sassy attitude with her to the West Coast heathens in need of some straight talk. Jake, angry and sad over losing Charlie, is encouraged by Alan to sign up for a mentor program, though he’s initially skeptical after they pair him with an old woman short on manners and long on unrequested advice. Eventually, in a montage set to a bad cover of The Beatles’ “We Can Work It Out”, Madea and Jake join forces, hitting up church, starting shit with ill-tempered gang members and making elaborate Southern feasts they enjoy while loudly screaming at Alan to find himself a woman.

One and a Half Men and a Mailman

What better way for Wayne Knight to reprise his role as the cranky mailman Newman than in Two and a Half Men? Spinning off from Seinfeld more than a decade later, Newman has moved to the suburbs and set up camp next door to Alan and Jake. He’ll be suspicious of Jake and in constant competition with Alan for the affections of a new love interest. We’d love to see Molly Ringwald brought in for this story. Our money’s on Ducky getting the girl this time around.

One and a Half Men and a Don

Disgraced, kicked out of the Jackass family and barred from ever playing the Don Vito character again after he was convicted of drunkenly fondling half the seventeen year old girls from Pennsylvania to Colorado, Don Vito Margera would need a name change, and probably some PR work to make this legal, but all would be worth it in the name of comedy. Jake has watched his Uncle Charlie hop from desirable bed to desirable bed without the slightest effort. Maybe he needs to get a look at what his own life might resemble if he keeps downing cookies like there’s a competition on. He’ll get a chance after a smelly and boozed-up Don Vito wins a sham lawsuit and buys the property next store. Think of him like a Kramer for the unemployed transient crowd. He’d swing by, borrow some butter, annoy the shit out of everyone and pitch wacky ideas like pretzels with rum sauce.

One and a Half Men and a Six

Who says Charlie’s replacement has to be a man? Who says it has to be human at all? What if CBS decided to throw a scifi twist into the story and brought in a Cylon to replace Charlie. Enter Battlestar Galactica's Tricia Helfer playing Six, a woman pretending to have an extreme interest in disorders pertaining to musculoskeletal system. She uses her feminine prowess to get closer to Alan and Jake, while secretly plotting to destroy the human race through suspect chiropractic methods. Should Ron Moore’s upcoming 17th Precinct take off rendering Helfer unavailable, Blossom’s Jenna von Oy could be the back-up Six (with the concept being altered slightly to include more funky hats).

One and a Half Men and a Bieber

He’s just there… being Justin Bieber.

Which of These Concepts Would You Actually Consider Watching?
FBI: International Showrunner Talks Upcoming Crossovers In The Dick Wolf TV Universe television 7h FBI: International Showrunner Talks Upcoming Crossovers In The Dick Wolf TV Universe Laura Hurley
Why Vanessa Lachey's NCIS: Hawai'i Actually Pairs Perfectly With NCIS Season 19 television 18h Why Vanessa Lachey's NCIS: Hawai'i Actually Pairs Perfectly With NCIS Season 19 Laura Hurley
How Much NCIS Will Feature Mark Harmon's Gibbs In Season 19 After The Premiere television 19h How Much NCIS Will Feature Mark Harmon's Gibbs In Season 19 After The Premiere Laura Hurley