TV Recap: Project Runway - Money Changes Everything

Last week: Elisa pooped a peacock, but Rami’s mother-of-the-bride toga won and Simone was auf’d.

So we start off with Rami talking about how sad he is that Simone had to go, and it seems pretty silly to me. After all, they knew each other for all of twenty minutes, but he says that he thinks Simone “has a better understanding of how women should dress than Elisa,” and I have to admit that dude has a point: you will never be able to convince me that grass stains are a hot accessory.

Speaking of our favorite space-alien marionette maker, her CG calls her a “multimedia artist,” which is an interesting way of putting it. If it were me, I’d request that they call me “puppet master,” but I think we’ve already established that Elisa and I aren’t exactly twinsies.

Before the designers are told what this week’s challenge is, they get to choose their models. I had completely forgotten about this part of the show. It always struck me as a complete waste of time. I’m sure it’s important to/for the designers to have the model they want, but as a viewer, I could care less. It only gets interesting when there’s nasty model-snatching, but that won’t happen until later in the season. Tonight, most of the designers opt to stay with their models from the last challenge and some blonde named Wendy is out.

Challenge:

Heidi tells the designers that this week’s challenge is to design an outfit for a pop-culture and fashion icon and the crazy guesses immediately begin. They guess Madonna, which, seriously. I don’t think I can picture Madge slumming it on basic cable. Someone throws out Britney Spears and says it would be great because she needs help. I can’t disagree. Then Rami randomly suggests Snow White. So Tim comes in and tells everyone to “gather ‘round” so he can announce who the special guest is, and it’s none other than Sarah Jessica Parker. Hey, I’m wearing her shirt right now.

So what’s amazing about this is how Chris immediately starts crying. He interviews that he moved to New York because of Sex and the City. It’s really funny, because I watched a lot of SATC before moving to New York as well, and I lived here for approximately five minutes before I realized that the characters those women portrayed are assholes. Anyway, the challenge is to create a two-piece look for Bitten’s fall/winter collection, which is allegedly high-end sportswear at affordable prices. Now, I already mentioned that I’m wearing a Bitten shirt right now. It’s really cute; it was quite affordable, but it is in no way high-end. If you dig through her stuff, there are definitely some pretty pieces to be had, but a lot of it is just fug—plus the sizing is completely random. Tim goes on to tell the crew that the entire look must retail for less than $40, so their budget is $15. Now that’s what I call a challenge.

…And Ricky is crying again. He’s interviewing about how he really wants SJP to like his crap. What is up with this guy?

The designers all go in and pitch their ideas to SJP. Chris is trying desperately not to lose it—it’s kind of cute, really. Unsuccessful, but cute. Elisa goes in and talks about how she makes things that are polymorphic. I have no idea what that means, other than the basic etymological meaning of “many shapes,” but there’s a cape involved. She talks a lot and very little of it makes sense. In other pitches, SJP goes to shake Kevin’s hand, but he’s already out. Christian asks for a hug. Ugh, Kit would love leggings. Marion is pitching a cape; a fitted cape, according to him. I’m saying this right now, because it is something I truly believe: Capes and/or ponchos are never a good idea.

After everybody tells her their ideas, SJP chooses seven designers to make their designs. She picks Elisa, Kit, Victorya, Marion, Ricky, Christian and Rami. These designers then have to choose teammates. Marion gets to pick first, so he chooses Steven. Ricky goes with Jack, Victorya with Kevin, Kit picks Chris, Rami chooses Jillian, Christian and Carmen get together and talk about their asymmetrical hairstyles, and Elisa says she wanted Sweet P from the very beginning—much to Sweet P’s horror.

Sweet P’s horror quickly turns into my horror as Elisa “spit marks” her dress. Sweet P has no idea what that means, so Elisa helpfully informs her that it’s something she does in order to imbue it with energy and essence. First grass stains, now she’s licking the dress. This is starting to sound like how I was conceived. Sweet P crosses herself. I’m not sure even God can help you now, P.

…And Ricky is crying again. Again, again. He wants to prove that he‘s more than a lingerie designer. Why? What’s wrong with being a lingerie designer? You don’t need to be so hard on yourself, Ricky. Ladies need under things!

Tim’s walk-through:

Tim is worried about Marion’s outfit; it’s very elaborate. Tim doesn’t want Christian’s outfit to look too retro, but Christian is doing that thing again where he basically says that he knows better than Tim. His reply is, “I think it’s perfect.” He interviews that he listens to opinions but doesn’t have to agree or go with them. Why don’t people learn that you should listen to Tim? He’s Tim Gunn! He knows what he’s talking about. Tim loves Victorya’s vest/dress combo. He sees what Elisa is working on and turns into my great-aunt Betty, saying, “Jeez Louise.” He’s worried about the whole thing and tells Elisa that the hand-stitching is “cuckoo.”

Runway:

I need you guys to help me out on something. Heidi’s dress looks exactly like something Serena wore on an episode of Gossip Girl. Am I crazy? And please, when answering that, do not take into account the fact that I watch Gossip Girl. There are extenuating circumstances, like…um…Hey, look! Fashion show!

Kit: The sweater is cute and could work on different people, but she kind of ruined it by pairing it with those fugly leggings. Leggings are a scourge.

Elisa: She ended up with a cape and dress. The cape would look awful on anybody who has boobs/is over 87 lbs. I don’t think the dress would work either. It reminds me too much of Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, for some reason.

Rami: His outfit is stupid leggings with cute-ish button-down wrap shirt. It looks a little overwhelming on the model, but it looks like it might actually work better on a normal person.

Marion: His model looks like Pocahontas as Barbarella. It’s just silly. You can’t even see the skirt that they worked so hard on. One thing I will say is I agree with them in that it does look expensive for the amount of money it actually cost.

Victorya: The dress is kind of big, but cute. The vest could rein it in. I’m not a big fan of vests, but the dress would be served well either by it or by a jacket—just something that can give it a little shape.

Christian: His model basically looks like Working Girl in Space. It’s a blue turtleneck dress that would look awful on anyone over 3 lbs. and the jacket is just horrendous.

Ricky: The dress is really cute and the belt is sexy. I love it. I could actually see myself wearing that. I wonder if he imbued it with the essence and energy of his tears.

Judging:

Heidi calls the names of four teams: Elisa, Sweet P, Victorya, Kevin, Marion, Steve, Christian and Carmen. They may step forward. Everybody else is safe.

SJP thinks Victorya really listened; they love the racerback on the vest. Marion’s proportions are awkward and Heidi doesn’t get it at all. They say Elisa’s outfit is sexy yet appropriate, but Heidi says she shouldn’t tell people about the spit marks. In looking at the dress again, I think I’m just more put off by the model than I am by the dress itself. Christian’s outfit is “a lot of look.” That’s a nice way to put it. They all think it’s very 80s, which it is, and in the worst way possible. SJP says it’s more severe than his drawing indicated and that it’s too snug and short for Bitten.

During deliberations, the judges talk about how they like Elisa’s outfit. How do people love that cape? People with boobs cannot wear that. Michael Kors says Christian had every intention of doing what he wanted. He’s not much of a listener, that one.

Commericals: Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style. Tim Gunn is laughing hysterically at a poncho. Do you see? Ponchos DO NOT work! You don’t have to believe me, Tim Gunn says it too!

We come back and they announce the winner. It’s Victorya. SJP says that hey will be selling her outfit at Steve and Barry’s. I haven’t seen it, but it’s been awhile since I’ve been there. Elisa and Sweet P are safe.

Next, Steve and Carmen are both in. Marion is told that his fabric and construction are bad and Heidi says, “you have left us very sad.” HA! Christian’s outfit is stuck in the 80s, and is not accessible. Christian is in. Marion is out. Aw, the judges have left me very sad. Marion had a misstep, but he had potential. Christian, on the other hand, is annoying and reminds me of Andy Dick.

Next week: The most difficult challenge that has ever been on Project Runway.