Akira is the movie that anime nuts try to force me to watch whenever I tell them how much I loathe the art form. All of it. And I’m not watching any more of it, not even to try out Akira. I’ve been so scarred by awful card battle cartoons and Dragonball Z that anime is dead to me. Leonardo DiCaprio on the other hand, is ready to embrace the oversized heads and wacky hair of Japan’s hand drawn characters. HR says he’s turning Akira into a live action movie. If I watch that instead, does it count as giving Akira a chance? Or is that kind of like reading the Cliff’s Notes and claiming to have read “War and Peace”?

DiCaprio won’t actually be in the movie, but his company Appian Way is producing it. His live action version will update the story a little, and change it’s location to a place called “New Manhattan”, which seems to still be in Japan. Ruairi Robinson will direct it for Leo, and their plan is to turn it into a two-parter. Ruairi Robinson’s last movie was something called The Silent City. On IMDB the only thing anyone has to say about it is “Is that Cillian Murphy?” As far as I know, it isn’t, which seems to sum up his career so far pretty well.

Since I’ve already told you I know absolutely nothing about Akira except that I’m not watching it, let’s not sit around and pretend I can deliver an accurate plot synopsis for all of you who like me, are on a lifetime anime boycott. Instead, I’ll just give you what HR says about the original version. I’m sure they know what they’re talking about, they’re such a big bunch of nerds over there, what with all the time they spend chasing after um… Paris Hilton. Here’s their description:

“Akira originated in 1988 as a manga and then as an animated film co-written and directed by Katsuhiro Otomo. The story was set in a neon-lit futuristic post-nuclear war "New Tokyo" in 2019 where a teen biker gang member is subjected to a government experiment which unleashes his latent powers. The gang's leader must find a way to stop the ensuing swathe of destruction.”

Teen bikers is… terrible. People actually like this movie? Jesus Christ you all suck. Especially you DiCaprio.