Whoa boy, not a ton to get excited about this week. I mean there’s plenty to make fun of, but in terms of getting pumped to head out to the local cineplex? Nope. This week Julia Roberts takes a hard look in the mirror and Sam Worthington gets all Titan-y again.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Because Hollywood is pretty much running out of new and creative ideas for movies, there’s a recent disturbing trend of taking dated fairy tales and “updating” them for a new generation of kids and tweens alike who probably could pretty much care less about said fairy tales. Whether it's flicks like the nearly unwatchable Red Riding Hood or the upcoming Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, the “creative” powers that be are chomping at the bit to pound fairy tales back into our collective conscious.
And Snow White offers the perfect opportunity to retell the same damn story in a new and “quirky” way. Hell, there are two Snow White-related flicks coming out just this year with Snow White and the Huntsman due this summer. But first we’re treated to Mirror Mirror, a flick so ridiculous and contrived that I barely made it through the trailer. I’m not sure who or what annoyed me more, Julia Roberts, the jokes, Armie Hammer, the costumes, Nathan Lane, the story line, the dwarves, the set designs or the girl who played Ms. White. And maybe I got up on the wrong side of my Grand Ergo Adjustable Base Tempur-pedic this morning, but I’m not sure exactly who this movie would appeal to.
Tarsem Singh (Immortals-37%, The Fall-59%) directs and while critics definitely won’t spew my particular brand of vitriol towards this flick, I don’t think they’ll be head over heals either. I can imagine a certain theme of “ehh, it was all right, whatever,” or something along those lines because there’s simply too much star power, glitz and glamour to outright loathe it. Reviews like that usually put a film in a particular score range. I’m confident with this one. The Rotten Watch for Mirror Mirror is 56%.
Wrath of the Titans
Is it me or is this franchise putting the Titans through the five stages of grief? First there’s denial. In Clash of the Titans Perseus denies being a god, instead claiming he’s just a man. Second there’s anger. The title Wrath of the Titans says it all here. I can only assume the next three installments in this franchise will be bargaining: Deal with the Titans, depression: So Sad for the Titans and acceptance: I Guess These Are the Titans. Sounds like a killer franchise. Can’t wait for the rest of them to come out.
But in all seriousness, is there any way to get excited for a sequel to an underwhelming first installment? Clash of the Titans (28%) didn’t exactly light the critical world on fire, though it did well at the box office. And having director Jonathan Liebesman (Battle Lost Angeles-35%, The Killing Room-67%) take over the helm doesn’t necessarily bode well for its chances with critics.
And though, like the original, some of the effects look moderately compelling, and “Sweet Dreams” by Marilyn Manson gets some of my mosh-pitting juices flowing, there’s no escaping that this flick looks a lot like the original remake. And the original wasn’t that great. The Rotten Watch for Wrath of the Titans is 30%.
Recapping last week:
Hunger Games (Predicted: 96%, Actual: 86%). No denying it here, I let my emotions and the fact that I was supremely jazzed after watching the trailers affect my prediction for this movie. The commenters got on me, and they were right. I should have hedged a little bit more and bumped it down to about 90%. That would have been a fair prediction and allowed for a little leeway with some dissenting reviews along the way. What can I say? I like The Hunger Games and I’m a sucker.
Next week, Stifler and the gang are back for some reason and the Titanic gets up close and personal. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!