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ABC is quite the busy network on this fine Thursday evening, gearing up for next week’s upfronts by giving their upcoming schedule a thorough spring cleaning. Thankfully, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Scandal and many more are coming back.
ABC’s Bachelorette and Bachelor franchises have kept things interesting over the years, but next season the long-running reality competition series is throwing a big twist into the mix.
Much like last week’s untelling episode of The Bachelor, we went into the finale battle royale — arch enemies Clare and Nikki — knowing it wouldn't go well. And no one needs to tell you this journey’s been weird! And so, too, was the 3 hour streeeeeetchathon of a finale. We saw JP get rid of his One True Perfect Match (and no that is not a compliment, just a fact stated) Clare in favor of Nikki.
Well: that was highly un-revelatory. Not that we totally thought it would be — more so that we just hoped it would. Because this season of The Bachelor has been trying at best. Maybe we were hoping some hard-hitting discussion, an acknowledgement from Juan Pablo that he’d been a dismissive egoist from time to time. Something. But this is The Bachelor so there’s literally no reason or precedent set to make us think that would happen. We all just want what we can’t have.
I know this season of The Bachelor has been totally without controversy or shock (har har har), but on Tuesday night all of that changed. As it turned out, one of our fair maidens was not besotted by our fair prince of True Everlasting RealiLove. In what was an incredibly long-awaited epiphany moment from the Bachelorette-to-be (I mean: really), Andi realized what the rest of us have been gagging over this whole time.
Alright kids, please pardon my untoward language but: wasn’t that some bullshit we just saw on this week’s episode of The Bachelor? I mean, they set us up for crazy after last week. They were misleading like all get-out in those promotional materials! Where was the drama, where were all the absolute “oh hell to the no” commentary from the parents that we were promised? Where were the tears, the yelling, the game-changing?
Pssst… hey, you guys: can I tell you a secret? It’s private just between us and you probably didn’t realize it by now, but Sharleen is not ready to get engaged to Juan Pablo. And in the whisper games that were Monday night’s The Bachelor, the "Oprah singer" (his words) from Germany sent herself home. But that wasn't even the most dramatic part of the evening, natch.
We’ve reached the serious point of the competition on ABC’s The Bachelor. How do we know? Because I almost know all of the girls names now when I see them (sorry, Kat and Chelsie). And Juan Pablo’s gotten to the ‘let’s just not even pretend we’re going to talk unless they force us’ portion of the dates, where every word is met with a quick facial caress that turns into a hair-behind-the-ear tuck and a kiss. Because that’s the only way you’ll meet your soulmate, guys: strictly via salivary-based osmosis. Pretty sure that’s science.
At the beginning of the episode, we saw Juan Pablo standing in front of a beautiful Vietnamese vista, proclaiming he was “ready to take it to the next level.” Do we think he realized how literal that would be going into this episode of ABC’s The Bachelor? But without getting too ahead of ourselves, Juan Pebbles and his harem of minnows — “he travels and we follow!” proclaimed the one — traversed to Vietnam to get into the drama.
How does one solve a problem like Juan Pebbles and his no good, very bad image? Well something tells me that The Bachelor’s producers are hoping that the current leading man of true, everlasting love’s decision to not kiss all of the girls will do it. Apparently gettin' handsy and kissy-kissy with a bunch of relative strangers might not be something he wants his daughter to see. He’s a gentleman and a father and not a — how you say? — pervert.
After all of the well-earned controversy surrounding the latest leading man on ABC's The Bachelor, a lot of people are considering a boycott of the series. So I’d like to offer that you all stop watching if you want. Seriously. If you feel guilty about indulging in the series, no need: that’s what I’m here for. Just read my recaps instead! I’ll do the hard part so you can sit back and read and laugh on your lunch break.
On the second episode of Juan Pablo, ABC’s latest man-in-waiting on The Bachelor, the ladies vying for his undying love were the central focus, and hoo lord, it’s gotten real hard real fast with this season. You know what I mean? That sad, guilty sink that creeps in immediately following an eye roll or laugh at the expense of a contestant. There’s no rationalizing this mess in the name of love and people doing stupid stuff for it.
Juan “Ze Bach-e-lor” Pablo is ready for amor, America: because he speaks ze language of loooooove. A language built on passion, “the right reasons,” shirtlessness, and television. It’s about the journey, you guys: and ABC is here to bring us on its 18th jaunt down the True Love Superhighway that is The Bachelor. The first-ever Latino Bachelor got his start on the series with a bunch of nutters. Seems there's a need to buckle up, kids: we're in for a very melodramatic ride.
Well, folks, now that it is officially Juan-uary (formally known as January to the rest of you) and so ABC’s emotional trainwreck of a competition series, The Bachelor has geared up for the promotional blitz ahead of its Sunday, JUANUARY 6th premiere date. (OK, we’ll stop doing that now). Seems as though the Juan Pablo Galavis-fronted season of the soapy fauxmance porn has found its first victim of TV Crazy, and her name is Lauren H.
The Bachelor’s Sean Lowe actually did what he set out to do on ABC’s competition series and found love in Catherine Giudici. We’re not talking the kind of love that lasts for a couple of months after a reality competition series has ended. We’re talking the kind of love that is leading straight to nuptials. The couple became engaged at the end of the 17th edition of The Bachelor and are now inviting fans to join them for a televised wedding, set to air in 2014.