Logan Scherer
Former Contributor

WRITTEN BY Logan Scherer

TV Review: Breaking Bad—Extralegal Extracurricular Activities

Bryan Cranston’s Walter White, high-school chemistry teacher by day and meth cooker by, well, later in the day, is compellingly screwed-up. He’s just turned fifty, and his doctor has given him good reason to have a mid-life crisis. Terminal lung cancer, struggling writer of a wife, and autistic son aside, though, it seems like Walter was never all that happy.

TV Recap: The Hills - Passports to Paris

History is anywhere but in the past on The Hills. It was only a year ago when Lauren made what Lisa Love would tell you was the worst decision ever, but it sure feels like yesterday. Whitney got the invite to her second Parisian excursion, and when the loyal (yes, I know it’s a risky word to use when describing someone close to Lauren) in-and-out-tern (she’s supposedly no longer an intern

TV Recap: The Hills—Saving The Date

Speidi may not be getting married after all (!): clearly there are more pressing issues than The Brody Question (sorry, didn’t mean to put you to sleep for three words) and J-B’s (Australian) replacement. Heidi took She-Pratt’s whole omg-we’re-family-now bit too seriously and confided in her about the fight with Spencer.

TV Anti-Rant: Ugly Betty - So Good It's Good

Betty Suarez doesn’t care what you think. She goes to the office in Guadalajaran ponchos you wouldn’t want to get caught cleaning your car with, and she works at Mode—televisual equivalent of Vogue. She’s badass in the orthodontic sense of the word. Piss her off and she’ll blind you with her mouth metal. Piss her off at night and she’ll bust her retainer on your ass.

TV Recap: The Hills—Sister Act

I’m assuming Lauren would extend her “It’s not okay to have your boyfriend do your dirty work” philosophy to sisters. Stephanie Pratt (aka She-Pratt) stepped into her brother’s shoes by berating Lauren, Brody, and Audrina, defending her (possibly) soon-to-be sister-in-law and the Pratt dynasty. She also happened to be (The Hills has officially—just in case it wasn’t official weeks ago—made coincidences the new norm) present for J-B’s insanely (and rightfully so) gossiped about make-out session with mystery bitch in front of Audrina.

TV Recap: The Hills—My Ex-Best-Friend’s Wedding

Still reeling from the confrontation seen ’round the world? Me too. But that doesn’t mean we needed filler to catch us from the fallout. There was no mention whatsoever of last week’s face-to-face farewell. Instead, Whitney went on a date and Speidi lamely argued over the wedding. Lauren’s date with wallpaper earlier in the season had no sparks, but the awkwardness was engrossing to watch. Whitney’s date, on the other hand, had no sparks and had nothing else.

TV Recap: The Hills—It’s My Party And I’ll Lie If I Want To

Lauren’s staple look of shock (last seen, I believe, when she found out Jason got engaged) was sort of unwarranted when Whitney told her Heidi was right behind her at the Declare Yourself Party. That’s because Whitney and Lauren spotted Brent Bolthouse’s company on the list of sponsors ahead of time, and kind of figured Heidi would be there.

TV Recap: The Hills—Before-and-after Parties

For all their pointlessness and injuries (okay, so there was technically only one, but I consider J-B’s leaving behind Audrina’s helmet a figurative injury), Brody’s parties totally trump the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood Party. It’s understandable that Hills producers jumped at the idea of showcasing a celebrity-saturated event on the show, but there’s nothing amusing about Emmy Rossum and Hayden Panettiere pretending there aren’t any cameras around them

TV Recap: The Hills—Risky Business

Whitney brought a pleased Lisa Love to the church she picked out for the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood Party. Although Lauren didn’t seem to have any role in the planning process, she still got to go with Whitney on the redeye to New York to accompany her in the boardroom. Whitney was relieved to know that Lauren would be by her side during the dreaded presentation, but her reassurance was shattered when Teen Vogue editor-in-chief Amy Astley informed Lauren that she’d be visiting Marc Jacobs’s studio for the day.

TV Recap: The Hills—Grilling Fresh Meat

Brody’s beachside BBQs have become a staple the way every episode of The O.C. revolves around a party (Okay, so there have only been two, but still). Brody’s latest bash, however, marked an awkward change: Lauren had a date who (yes, she did a background check) was in no way related to her circle of friends. It’s pretty hard not to dwell on the irony of Gavin’s asking Lauren out—Gavin, who got Lauren’s number at a Teen Vogue casting call, is a model who had met Lauren on a previous Teen Vogue shoot where Lauren tried to set him up with Heidi.

TV Recap: The Hills – It’s Raining Jen

Whitney and Lauren’s facial exchange over the prospect of an informational lunch with Jen Bunney captured the astronomic (yes, even for Hills standards) potential for drama. Sunglasses on, old nose off, Jen Bunney met the camera with the silhouette of evil’s embodiment. Lauren and Jen shared coldly civil words. Jen relayed Heidi’s blaming of Brody, though Lauren treated the suggestion like a magazine with Heidi on the cover—she didn’t buy it.

TV Recap: The Hills – Speechless in Las Vegas

Lauren & Co.’s surprise birthday visit to Brody in the Palms (I too was expecting Trishelle to make an appearance plugging her latest camped-out film), though, was all about what didn’t happen, or, more specifically, what wasn’t said. J-B gave Lauren, Lo, and Jill the silent treatment with absolutely no effort, as if he were lacing up his combat boots

TV Recap: The Hills – Registering the Disengagements

Heidi and Lauren technically have separate storylines with different supporting players, but the parallelism is undeniable: both girls have supposedly official, though clearly dysfunctional engagements to deal with. Heidi’s storybook wedding fantasy is a situation that Spencer, who wants to elope in Tibet, can’t completely control. Jason asked Lauren to meet his new girlfriend Katja at their housewarming party where he announced the shocking news of his haphazard engagement. I mean, it wasn’t so shocking to anyone who’s picked up an Us Weekly within the past month.

TV Review: Gossip Girl – He Typed, She Typed

As polished a look into prep school tragedy as its name doesn’t suggest, Gossip Girl picks up The O.C. and moves it safely into east-coast territory, losing nothing on the way, though gaining sex, drugs, and talent in its blonde lead (Blake Lively, a more capable, less whiny Mischa Barton, has a pensive look that’d turn heads on any billboard) whose biggest complaint (and best excuse for an alcohol problem) is she gets too much attention.

TV Review: Back to You – Anchors Drowned in a Sea of Laugh Tracks

Kelsey Grammer’s pompous, hyper-masculine Chuck had an on-air screw-up that, unfortunately, gained him YouTube infamy and sent him back to his small-scale local job in Pittsburgh. Darling’s down-spiraling journey from the big leagues back to the little ones serves as an appropriate figure for the death of the sitcom, and his overly confident attitude serves as an even better one for Back to You’s failure to facilitate the sitcom renaissance it thinks it’s brought about.

TV Recap: The Hills – Playing Ketchup

Awkward confrontations on The Hills are usually more about what doesn’t happen than what does happen, but Lauren and Jason’s run-in with the enemies at newly opened L.A. Hotspot Ketchup (okay, so when the product placement plays as much of a role as Ketchup did in the Lauren-Heidi showdown, it carries through to the recap) was all about the action, even if Heidi and Spencer were the only ones who actually did something. For Lauren and Jason, though, it was more about inaction (as is normally the case for Lauren).

TV Recap: The Hills – Jason Also Rises

When it came to the actual Lauren-Jason reunion, which was downright uneventful, I was expecting something more than just the hug and vague friendship talk that really went down, like, maybe a thorough discussion of the Lauren-Jason split and Jason’s substance abuse issues. I would’ve gladly taken one of those farewell Idol performances that thankfully get cut off for timing issues

TV Recap: The Hills – Frenemies Of The State

With the Spody friendship on the rocks and Justin-Bobby’s refusal to put the girlfriend label on Audrina, The Hills’s drama hasn’t been this lowbrow since the Jason days. Yes, the Spody (ex)-friendship is inconsequential as a plot point when juxtaposed with the enormity of the Lauren-Heidi fallout, but Hills happenings haven’t been this interconnected since, well, ever. Spencer stopped answering Brody’s phone calls after he heard that Brody had been hanging out with banished Lauren.

TV Recap: The Hills – Familial Territory

Here’s to hoping the metaphor-of-the-week trend started by the past two weeks (white paint, anyone?) of The Hills will continue for the entirety of Season Three. Justin carelessly left Audrina’s motorcycle helmet – the latest instance of an everyday object imitating life in L.A.

TV Review: As You Like It – Outcasts In Love, Enter Stage East

Branagh, curiously highlighting events that Shakespeare merely acknowledges, spends just the right amount of time setting up the conflict that leads the hapless lovers and their followers into the Forest of Arden, a strikingly realized setting of rustic romance. Branagh shows us, however, that Shakespeare never meant his now-eternal all-the-world’s-a-stage metaphor (delivered in a monologue by Kevin Kline’s fantastically jaded Jacques) to be taken literally.

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