Delta Farce

Every year, there is one movie that will affect you so much, you will stay in your seat until the closing credits are over so you can read the name of every single person involved in making the film. If you choose to see Delta Farce, I suggest you have a pen and pad handy so you can begin writing your hit list – and make sure you start it with the person who allowed you to check out of the video store with the film in hand. Larry the Cable Guy stars as a guy named Larry (didn’t want to make it too difficult for him or anyone else), who is down on his luck after losing his job and his girlfriend. To help ease his mind he joins his friends, Bill (Bill Engvall, also cleverly named), and Everett (DJ Qualls), for a relaxing weekend of drinking and target practice at the Georgia Army base. Unfortunately, they are mistaken as Army Reservists and loaded onto an army plane headed to Fallujah, Iraq – after about three days of hardcore training, of course.

The flight, however, hits some turbulence and somehow ejects a Humvee containing the three idiots and their drill sergeant (Keith David) somewhere in Mexico, which is apparently on the way to Iraq. Convinced they are in Iraq, the clueless trio rides into a small Mexican village and accidentally save it from the evil clutches of Carlos Santana (Danny Trejo). Once the guys figure out they’re in Mexico, they become conflicted about what their next move should be. In the end, they decide it is their duty to stay and spread “freedom and democracy” across the village, and fight the evil El Guapo. Sorry, I meant to say Carlos Santana, but it just felt like I was describing the Three Amigos.

The closing credits of Delta Farce has a passage that reads, “This film is dedicated to the real men and women serving in our armed forces around the world.” Delta Farce does not honor those people in any way, shape or form. I’m sorry, but when there are real soldiers risking their lives overseas, the last thing anyone wants is an 89-minute movie that uses predictable, unfunny and boring redneck jokes and gags. I guarantee this film is not funny to the soldiers they are honoring overseas, or to anyone dumb enough to pay to see this movie.

There is absolutely nothing good, not one thing, I can say about the work of director C.B. Harding, whose previous directing credits include some of the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” stuff and a few unknown episodes of a Cinemax adult series “Passion Cove.” I lied, he does manage to keep the camera in focus throughout the movie, so we should give him kudos for making it through film school with the ability to do that. I also shouldn’t leave out the wonderful screenwriters of this film, Bear Aderhold and Tom Sullivan, who proved they can read and write close to the level of a fifth-grader.

This movie seems like it was something a country that hates the United States should have been making. It points out things the U.S. would never let happen. While I realize this was supposed to be a comedy, I don’t see the humor in making fun of our country going to war when we’re currently at war. It’s tasteless, crude and downright offensive, and the stale jokes and predictable concepts made it even worse.

Also, what is so appealing to studios about Larry the Cable Guy? Sure, he seems harmless, mainly because he’s a big boy with a country accent, but how does that make him a good actor? It doesn’t. He’s a stand-up comedian with a tired, unfunny act. He says, “Git ‘er done” for a living and five people laugh. That does not make him a movie star. On top of that, he’s the star of a really bad movie which has its only funny line come in another language at his expense as one of the Mexicans calls him “fat” and “retarded.”

There is nothing appealing about Delta Farce. If they wanted to make a comedy war movie, maybe they should have watched Hot Shots! and taken some notes. Or, they could have made it easier on themselves, the studio, and the movie-going public by not making the movie at all. Trust me when I say that getting a colonic in some corner deli with flickering lights, rusty equipment, and rats running around seems more appealing than sitting through this farce. I was thoroughly annoyed to find out there are actually special features on this disc, mainly because it meant I had to sit through more crap having to do with Delta Farce. I tried throwing up the white flag to surrender, but someone kept firing.

If you like to live dangerously, the special features for Delta Farce allow you to watch the movie again – this time with commentary from Harding. There is nothing worse than a director talking about his failures. I kind of felt bad for the guy when I watched the movie. I mean, he’s trying to earn a living doing what he loves. Unfortunately, after listening to five minutes of his commentary and finding out there are actual motives behind what he shot, I don’t feel so bad any more.

There is a feature called "Hacienda Confidential", which is basically a four minute sit-down with Larry, Engvall, and DJ Qualls. They talk about their lives, crack bad jokes, and you begin to hate them even more. That is, of course, until you go to the feature called "All the Way to … L.A.", which basically tells the story of how the cast and crew never traveled more than 56 miles from Los Angeles to make this movie. It is another seven minutes of pure boredom.

There is also a nearly four minute feature called "The Queen of Mean Gets the Last Word", which is sit-down interview with comedian Lisa Campanelli, who plays Bill’s wife in the movie. She is onscreen for literally 20-seconds in the film. And if that doesn't bore you enough, take a look at "The Man Behind Carlos Santana" and watch the leather-faced Danny Trejo, a normally decent character actor, discuss his role in the film.

All-in-all, with the movie included, this disc offers you 116 minutes of what is somewhere believed to be entertainment. Wait, I miscalculated. If you include the director commentary as part of the entertainment, it means you have to include another 89 minutes of fun. That brings our grand total of fun up to 205 minutes. Personally, I would rather be shot.