Elektra Luxx

You want to know a good movie about porn? Boogie Nights. Everything about that film just makes me want to buy a flashy shirt, pull down my dungarees, and get into the industry, shaking what my mama GAVE me. But you want to know a shitty movie about porn? Elektra Luxx. Everything that’s great about Boogie Nights is absent in this film. It’s not even really about porn, even. What a tease! When my editor asked if anybody wanted to review Elektra Luxx, I did a quick search online and found that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it. Being a fan of flicks like Inception, Brick, and The Lookout, I was like, hell yeah, I want to watch that shit! That guy doesn’t make bad films! But, man, was I wrong. And now I have to add Mr. Levitt to my list of actors who have let me down most heinously. The man apparently CAN make bad films, and Elektra Luxx is one of the worst. I mean, it’s bad. It’s REALLY bad. So bad, in fact, that I wanted to turn it off within the first five minutes of watching it. And I really should have, too. I only watched the whole damn thing so I could report back to you just how bad it is. Because if it had just been me watching it on my own, I would have fed it to the centipedes in my house by the six-minute mark.

Everything about this films blows. But what angers me the most about it, besides the fact that it’s supposed to be a comedy and it’s woefully unfunny, is the fact that it has some really great talent in it that isn’t even used effectively. For example, enter Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I seriously love the guy. He’s been in some great movies as an adult, but had his first major breakout on the sitcom, Third Rock From the Sun, so I know the guy is funny. So why, then, has he been reduced to screaming almost the entire movie? His role is of an online blogger for a porn site, which sounds funny enough, but it’s not here. Every time he tries to say something to the camera, another annoyance gets in the way, so the entire time he’s yelling at people to shut up or leave him alone. Trust me, it sounds much funnier than it is. Also, one other trait that I get from the guy is that he’s a consummate professional. But at the end of the picture, he actually flubs some of his lines and it’s STILL IN THE MOVIE. How does that happen these days? That’s some Ed Wood nonsense right there.

And speaking of Ed Wood, how about the plot of this clunker? Well, it’s awful! The back of the box says that it’s about a porn star who gets preggers and quits the biz, and yeah, that’s a part of what this movie’s about. A SMALL part. Like, only 10%. The rest of the film is almost like a series of vignettes that really don’t even have any connection to the overall storyline. For example, there’s a side plot with one of the title character’s costars where she becomes a lesbian that has absolutely nothing to do with the plot at all. It doesn’t even make any sense. And then, Julianne Moore makes an uncredited appearance as the Virgin Mary that serves no purpose whatsoever. I can see why her name’s not on the back of the box. What I can’t see, though, is why she would even do this movie. Maybe as a favor? I don’t know.

Honestly, I don’t know if this movie was straight-to-DVD or not, but if it was, then I think it’s an offense to every straight-to-DVD movie that ever came out before it. Elektra Luxx is a train wreck. Don’t watch it. Ever. Special features? What special features? On the back of the box, it says, “Includes Hilarious Deleted Scenes.” But don’t believe it. Of the three (that’s right, three) deleted scenes on here, the one that sticks out the most contains two women making out, quietly, while some nebbish dude watches. And if that soft-core porn-quality crap sounds funny to you, then you MIGHT actually like this film. Not me, though. I like my comedy like I like my porn. Hardcore (TMI, I know). And if you’re like me, then you’ll hate these deleted scenes. They’re too tame. And too unfunny.