Well done, Michael Bay, well done. You’ve really outdone yourself this time. You’ve actually managed to make a movie that’s even worse than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. And it’s the sequel, Transformers: Insert Dumb Subtitle Here. You must be proud, Mr. Bay, you must be proud.
2 / 10 stars
Rating: movie reviewed star rating out of five
To all the people out there who said that the third, and hopefully final, installment of the Transformers trilogy was any good, all I have to say is: no. You’re dead wrong. Unless, of course, we saw different films. I saw a long, drawn-out, nonsensical piece of shit with tired action sequences, Shia LeBeouf screaming (as always), and John Turturro acting like an asshole. What did you see?

The story involves the moon and space, as the idiotic title suggests. But those two set pieces are more checkmarks off a lackluster plot rather than an actual driving force to the overall story. A good counterbalance would be the recent, and more compelling, X-Men: First Class and Captain America: The First Avenger. Those two films toyed with the idea of fitting these characters in their respective eras, and it paid off big time. Those were two of my favorite films of the summer and both garnered rave reviews. That said, I must admit that Transformers: Dark of the Moon isn’t really meant to be a period piece. It just so happens to involve JFK sending men to the moon to investigate a crash landing of some stupid plot device called the Ark, rather than to beat the cosmonauts in a space race. It’s revisionist history…that’s only important for about five minutes. And it features Hasbro toys fighting each other. What’s not to love?

The rest of the story involves Sam Witwicky (LeBeouf) whining about how he can’t hang out with the Autobots because of government restrictions, until he can. Then there’s some talk about these “pillars” that are being stockpiled on the moon, and finally, there’s this new Autobot called Sentinel Prime that, well, is just as disposable as all the other Transformers. Seriously, I can’t tell any of these damn hunks of metal apart. Aside from Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, of course. But that’s only because they have a modicum of personality to them. Optimus Prime is the one that’s still being voiced by Peter Cullen and Bumblebee’s the yellow one that talks with radio signals, right? Listen, I’m a fan of the old cartoon and even I’m forgetting who they are since they’re so vanilla in the movies.

Disposable roster aside, what makes this picture even worse than the abysmal last one is that at least the last picture wasn’t boring. It was awful -- and offensive -- but definitely not boring. This piece of garbage is a total snooze-fest. The action is yawn-inducing (even a giant fight in Chicago with a snake-like Decepticon drew snores from me). The storyline is atrocious, and the acting is god-awful. Megan Fox was a waste of boobs and hair in the last two pictures, but even she had more personality than the substitute they got in Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. She is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most expendable characters I’ve ever seen. Even more so than the robots themselves, and that’s saying a lot. These robots die left and right.

Overall, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is up there with 2012 as one of those modern-day films that I’ll personally hate you for and call you an idiot if you actually enjoyed them. It’s a piece of garbage and it sucks. But, then again, you probably already saw it. I did, too. Twice now after watching it at home. Guess that makes me the idiot, huh? Well, at least I’m honest with myself. Transformers: The Turd is a bomb.
2 / 10 stars
Rating: movie reviewed star rating out of five
What’s more offensive than this movie’s existence? The fact that it has no special features to speak of, that’s what! I really thought the days of releasing a disc with just the movie on it, only to release a special edition later were over, but no, they’re still here, and they’re in the form of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. On this double-disc disaster (the other disc being a DVD), all you get is subtitles and different language options. That’s it.

But you know what? Whatever, man. Your movie sucked balls anyway. I’m glad you don’t have any special features on it because now I don’t have to watch them. The last thing I would want to hear is Michael Bay spewing about how the actors did a good job or how the action set-pieces are really something. You know what? They are something. They’re a load of crap. Don’t buy this piece of trash. You already saw it once in the theater, so leave it at that. Don’t fuel the gluttonous machine, people. It doesn’t care about you. Avoid this movie like the plague (i.e. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen). This disc can rot in hell.


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