I haven’t seen Captain America yet, but I have confusedly watched the trailer at least a dozen times. It leads me to believe the Nazi war machine was not a horde of Aryan avengers but a swarm of Storm Troopers led by some failed, red-faced experiment. This is not true. I know because I’ve watched at least a dozen History Channel specials on the Third Reich, and never once has the narrator mentioned this. As it seems like pertinent information, I have no choice but to conclude Captain America is outright lying to me. Not fudging the facts, not exaggerating a bit, full-on, nose-growing untruths passed off without a second glance or mea culpa. I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand for this injustice. What’s the alternative? My children growing up in a society where the fanciful imagination of a screenwriter re-dictates history? No, this simply will not do. The American people need to know Nazis weren’t led by some Satanic warmonger one step left from Jeff Goldblum’s fly. I’d like to think the best of the population, that the average person could sift through these blows against veracity, but the truth is they won’t. Within decades, teachers will be showing this film at the expense of textbooks. Where does it stop?
You’d think this sort of falsification would be a one off shot, but I did some research. It turns out rewriting history is relatively common. Hollywood has been distorting and perverting the past for decades. Well, here and now the lies stop. I’m on a mission from God, or at least my fifth grade Social Studies teacher. We need to weed out perjuries and replace them with facts. Here are six egregious movie lies about history, and the real story of what happened.
Forrest Gump Did Not Break Up Watergate
If you’re anything like me, you were probably stunned sitting through Forrest Gump. True heroes alter the course of history once, maybe twice, but this slow-witted ping pong virtuoso seemed to be in on nearly every major scandal and happening for decades. Well, it turns out some of the story is too good to be true. The whole bit about Watergate is a complete fabrication. The Encyclopedia Britannica has informed me it was actually a security guard who noticed tape on the doors preventing them from locking. He removed the adhesive, but when it mysteriously returned a few hours later, he phoned the police who subsequently arrested the five intruders. Forrest Gump, who was apparently staying across the street at the time, also called the police, but it was not his specific phone call that led to the apprehensions. Curiously, the FBI did not question Gump concerning what he saw at the time; so, he did not even testify in front of congress. What a glaring oversight. Still, this myth being debunked hardly alters his legacy as a shrimp boat captain, decorated war veteran and inventor of the shit happens bumper stickers.
Mulan’s Achievements Have Been Overstated
Back in the day, Hua Mulan was a fierce warrior who pretended to be a man in order to fight for the freedom of her people against the Huns. She accrued numerous accolades and helped her mates exponentially in the cause. Unfortunately, her pet dragon did not destroy Shan Yu’s falcon, nor did she best the Hun leader in combat in the emperor’s palace. Had it ever come to this, I suspect the emperor would have had a legion of trained guards who never would have let him fall into enemy hands. These lofty accomplishments were just handed to Mulan by Disney, either because of suspect fact checking or because they didn’t think someone like me would call them out. Sorry, bitches. In real life, she never even revealed she was a woman during combat, which makes the whole love angle even more confusing. Maybe Li Shang secretly discovered what was up, or maybe he just liked feminine dudes. I’m not here to judge, just set the record straight.
The Founding Fathers Did Not Hide Treasure
Everything about this is just an outright lie. I should know. I bought one of those metal finder things people use at the beach to try and discover treasure once, and I didn’t find shit. I’m not the only one either. Apparently, in the mid 1800s, a lot of Americans went nuts trying to find gold. It was a big fad for awhile, but even with all of those people searching, no one found anything. Yet, after watching National Treasure, I’m supposed to believe this dude Ben Gates came upon it in like an hour and a half. No way. Plus, I don’t really think the founding fathers could have afforded to horde money. The War of 1812? Come on. You know how expensive a cannon is? Not only do you have to buy it but then you have to rent a U-Haul truck to move it around and those bowling ball-looking objects and cannon powder to make sure it fires. And don’t forget about fuses. Every time you light the cannon, you need a new fuse. If they had all this gold sitting around, they probably would have used that to create a better army and then Dolly Madison wouldn’t have had to save George Washington’s picture from the fire. No, this can’t possibly be true. Besides, if there was really hidden treasure, we all know the Goonies would have found it decades ago.
Xerxes Was Not An Off-Putting Androgynous Giant
In the movie 300, Xerxes looks and behaves like some bizarre cross between Hagrid, David Bowie and Quinton Rampage Jackson. He towers over his men, commands with absolute authority and seems to get off on making people uncomfortable. If the goal was to make him look like the worst person who ever existed, mission accomplished. I left the theater eager to post on some Fuck-You-Xerxes-Blogs, but much to my horror, I found out he was apparently of average height, had several wives, numerous offspring and some success both on the homefront and in his military campaigns. Granted, he was murdered in a power grab, but that’s how these things went down back in the day. With the exception of Ramses The Great, I’m pretty sure everyone who ever did anything died a violent death before the year fifteen hundred and after that, the track record is mixed. If Xerxes were alive today, he might very well conquer your town and try to sleep with your woman, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be too tall to ride rollercoasters and too flamboyant to get through high school.
Marty McFly Did Not Invent Rock N Roll By Himself
I might listen exclusively to Gregorian Chants these days, but at a younger age, I briefly dabbled in the fast-paced world of guitars. You probably think a young time-traveling boy named Marty McFly invented the genre thanks to Back To The Future, but I can assure you he only played a small hand in its inception. This particular form of music was already gaining popularity in the 1940s. Chuck Berry via Marty McFly may have taken it to a whole new level a decade later, but when studying history, it’s important to trace the origins all the way back. In this case, they stretch past the dance where the McFly’s fell in love. I know it’s heartbreaking, but it’s always better to know the real story.
Dr. Manhattan Did Not Win The Vietnam War
I’m proud to say I called bullshit on this fabrication while I was in the theater. The movie Watchmen pretends like the President asked Dr. Manhattan to intervene in the conflict, which led to a quick victory. The truth is he stayed out of the fray, and we eventually tucked tail between legs and went back home. According to Wikipedia, some Americans were actually happy we left, though that seems like it must be a citation error, right? I bet it meant to say people were unhappy about us leaving. Regardless, South Vietnam’s capital, Saigon, fell in 1975, and it was renamed to Ho Chi Minh City shortly thereafter. There was also some Tet Offensive thing that didn’t go so well. For a movie as historically accurate as Watchmen, you would think they would have wanted to tell the real story, but apparently, people would rather remain in the dark about Dr. Manhattan’s true legacy. He was a draft dodger. Deal with it.
Vote in the poll below and tell us what lie you were the most upset at finding out, or better yet, let us know in the comment section about a historical inaccuracy you’ve found so that others can know the truth. The rest of the world needs you. Please do your part. If we don’t amusingly faux-complain about obvious alterations on film, no one will.
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Enthusiastic about Clue, case-of-the-week mysteries, the NBA and cookies at Disney World. Less enthusiastic about the pricing structure of cable, loud noises and Tuesdays.
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