Coming off a big week for the Rotten Watch, we’re looking to keep the momentum going. This time around we’ve got Alex Cross catching serial killers and more folk recording crap going bump in the night.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Though I don’t have any actual evidence of such, I’m fairly convinced James Patterson runs a third world sweatshop of underpaid and exploited child writers who churn out thousands of words each day for fifteen cents an hour. How else to explain how many books this guy pumps out? What do you think? He just likes to write and is one of the most prolific (in terms of sheer numbers) writers of the last thirty years, including writing or co-writing twenty-seven books in the last two years? I don’t believe it. I barely get this column handed in once a week.
The other explanation: he has a document, a shell of a novel, that he just auto-populates with a new character or plot line that he comes up with. This would fit the “If you’ve read one Patterson book, you’ve read them all” idea.
Yet for the number of crime novels he’s “written”, surprisingly few have come to the big screen. Only two in fact, with Along Came a Spider and Kiss the Girls. Other than that, Patterson isn’t too much of a theater guy.
But in this new movie, Detective Alex Cross makes a return to the big screen. Seeing as how Morgan Freeman is probably too old to keep tracking down murderers, the mantle is passed to Tyler Perry. This is the first time Perry has starred in a movie that he didn’t write or direct (so already a positive for this flick) and he tracks down a serial killer played Matthew Fox.
One more not-so-quick sidenote: The tag line for this flick is “Don’t Ever Cross, Alex Cross.” Are you kidding me? That’s the best they could come up with? Just for sh#$s and giggles, I’m going to throw out some other options. These are just off the top of my head:
He’s got a Cross to bear
Don’t get Alex, Cross with you
You’ll need the sign of the Cross
Alex Cross’es another killer off the list
They're not better, but they're certainly not worse, and I took literally thirty seconds thinking of these. Come on Hollywood.
Directed by Rob Cohen, who the trailer folks remind you directed The Fast and the Furious (52%), but conveniently leave out The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (13%) Stealth (13%), Alex Cross appears a stunning mash up of over the top killing, contrived action, Perry emoting at every opportunity, a fairly scary looking Fox, explosions, Perry getting ggrrrr-so-angry!, horrible dialogue, and every action/detective cliche in the book. In other words, it looks bad. If this was the effort to boot up a run of Alex Cross movies over the next few years, it might not completely work. But not to fear, there are roughly a jillion other Patterson books to choose from. Adapt one of those. The Rotten Watch for Alex Cross is