Scary Movie 3

Scary Movie 3 is the third in a franchise of parody movies that garner laughs by making fun of the other movies that scare the pants off of us. Only, unlike the previous two movies, this one doesn’t actually parody horror flicks. Well, there is a lot of time spent making fun of M. Night’s Signs, but well that is more of a suspense movie isn’t it? I mean I love it, but it isn’t exactly Scream now is it? Neither is The Matrix, or Eminem’s 8 Mile for that matter, all movies which Scary Movie 3 weakly attempts to make fun of. There is some attempt to make fun of The Ring, only without the word fun. Scary Movie 3 isn’t about scary movies at all, rather it’s about making a lot of money pretending to be a comedy without going through the trouble to cause anyone to laugh.

Scary Movie 3 is also about giving acting gigs to people who really don’t deserve any. People like Leslie Nielson, who stopped being funny somewhere around 1993, but has kept right on cranking out a yearly movie, just to spite us. Up till now, no one even really noticed he was still working. Or people like Pamela Anderson, who qualifies more as a pair of water balloons than an actress. Then there’s Charlie Sheen, who, until this unfortunate box office success seemed destined to spend the rest of his life making bad sitcoms and then tricking people into watching them by proudly displaying his name at the beginning of the credits. Charlie, I liked your show better when it was called “My Two Dad’s” or even when it was called “Full House” for that matter. Sad to think you are now officially less talented than Bob Saget.

Ok, maybe I should ease off. Scary Movie 3 isn’t a total loss. Even I have to admit that the trailers for this one were pretty funny. It is especially a shame then, that Director David Zucker didn’t put any of those funny scenes from the trailer in the actual movie. Even seeing those overplayed gags twice might have been a welcome relief in the drudgery through which SM3 sent me plummeting. Granted, there was a funny bit involving Cameron Manheim and an ever growing hat. It was pretty nice to see Simon Rex getting kicked in the crotch too. But these are sad times indeed when cameo by Harrison Ford’s PICTURE is unquestionably the highlight of the movie.

Is this version worse than the other two? Hard to say. On the one hand, they did get rid of the Wayans Brothers, who figured prominently in the first two installments. Generally speaking, getting rid of the Wayans Brothers is always a good idea. This is a broad based rule, one which applies just as nicely to dinner engagements as it does to the making of movies. On the other, they didn’t do anything to replace them.

Maybe what Scary Movie 3 really needs is an honest to god flesh and blood comedian. You know; someone who knows how to be funny without resorting to the old kick in the groin. No, Simon Rex does not count as a comedian. George Carlin does make an extended cameo, in yet another parody of the Architect scene from The Matrix Reloaded (haven’t we done enough of these yet?). But after Will Ferrell’s superior work already out there in that very narrow category of Architect parodies, Carlin’s work just looks old and ready to be retired. That’s a feeling you get from just about all of SM3’s worn out gags and sad attempts at fart induced humor.

Here’s a thought! You Scary Movie 3 folks could try making fun of SCARY MOVIES, as the title so clearly infers. If you aren’t going to make the movie funny, you could at least make the title appropriate.