Every year, the holiday season presents people all around the world an opportunity to give their loved ones gifts that truly commemorate emotional journeys and lifelong relationships. But sometimes the things one really wants for Christmas just don’t exist, especially when one is a giant TV fanatic whose mental boundary between real and fictional worlds is thinner than Captain Picard’s hairline. If only there was a way to reach inside our televisions and pull out the items whose glaring absence from our lives can only be attributed to the evil Krampus.

Here are ten fictitious products from the world of TV that I would love to wake up to on Christmas morning. This is but a brief sampling of the enviable commodities that television writers have cooked up over the years, and I avoided putting things like “Walking Dead Carl’s head in a box” and “Rust Cohle’s 7 Effective Habits of People Who Sound Like They’re High All the Time,” because there’s already so much real-fake stuff out there. Enjoy, and have a safe and inventive holiday season.

Kitten Mittens
Written correctly or with Charlie’s misinformed “Mittons” spelling, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s Kitten Mittens aren’t what one would immediately think of when it comes to bar merchandise, but they’ll do more for your cats than pint glasses or neon signs ever would. And if you don’t have cats? Now you have FOUR small gloves. “Your wellcom,” says Charlie. Put a DVD of the commercial with these mittens and it’s an instant bestseller.

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