Some guy has written a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off sequel script. That in and of itself isn’t news (though it may be a sign that the terrorists are winning). The guy is Rick Rapier (who doesn’t even have an IMDB page and once wrote a movie no one has ever heard of) and from the sounds of things nobody wants his script and it’s not on the fast track to anywhere. He’s resorted to shopping it around to internet sites like Tampabay.com, probably in an attempt to generate internet buzz for the project as a way of convincing studio execs or John Hughes or Mathew Broderick that they should pay some attention to him.

So the fact that some guy has written a Ferris Beuller sequel script isn’t really news until he gets someone with money, cash, or influence to pay attention to it. Then why am I writing about it? To make sure it doesn’t become a news story. Rick Rapier must be stopped.

The thing is, if Rick Rapier thinks touting some sequel script he’s written is going to get Ferris Bueller fans excited, then he’s sorely mistaken. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is a nearly perfect film, a pantheon flick if there ever was one. It exists frozen in the 80s for all time, and should never, ever be touched or revisited. If Rick Rapier were actually a fan of Ferris, then he’d know that and would have never written the damn thing in the first place. The fact that he thinks touting it on the internet will actually get people to support it is almost laughable. I refuse to believe that any true Ferris fan worth his salt wants to see Ferris and Cameron as a middle-aged, boring, adults. There’s just no way such a horrible idea could work. This isn’t Star Trek, where you can crank out sequel after sequel. This is Ferris Bueller, quintessential 80s child. Hands off.

That by the way, is what it sounds like his script is about. Fat, old Ferris. I guess the good thing here is that he can still be played by Matthew Broderick then, if we’re talking Ferris as an adult. The sequel script is supposedly stuffed with cameos from familiar characters and Rapier says, “I didn't want to leave anyone out, and I also realize that the actors who helped realize the first movie would feel left out if there wasn't a part for them in, perhaps, one of the longest awaited sequels in film history.”

Our friends over at Moviehole seem to have even more specific details on the script, including a plot outline. The say “The movie fast-forwards Ferris' life about 20 years. In the years since high school, Ferris has turned his carefree "Life Moves Pretty Fast" motto into a motivational self-help career -- think Tony Robbins, only with a beret and sweater vest. His best friend Cameron is still at his side, managing his massive business.” Did anyone else just flash to Tom Cruise in Magnolia? The script supposedly takes place on Ferris’s 40th birthday, when he decides to take the day off again, throwing poor Cameron into another tizzy.

Some of that sounds good, maybe the script is even good, but leave the 80s alone already. It’s just not worth the risk of tarnishing the original with some potentially shitty sequel. Actually, come on it’s almost certainly shitty. These things never work. They are never as good as the original and all you can really hope for is to avoid having your memories of the original completely ravaged by the new, inferior product which in the minds of everyone who is too young to remember will now be the Ferris Bueller movie of record. Sort of like the way kids prefer The Phantom Menace to the good Star Wars movies.

The comments section over at Tampabay.com, where the story seems to have originated, is already filling up with idiots promising to start wearing “Save Ferris” t-shirts as a way of supporting a non-movie they know nothing about. I say yes, buy those “Save Ferris” tees, but wear them to actually “Save Ferris” from the idiotic, soul destroying, childhood crushing sequel mania that has enveloped our entertainment and destroyed nearly everything in the 80s that was ever good. Save Ferris indeed. Save the fucking 80s. Tell Hollywood to leave Rick Rapier where he is… in the unemployment line. Stay away from John Hughes Rapier. Let my Cameron go.

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