Quantum of Solace is receiving rave reviews and interest in Bond’s next movie is through the roof. So why am I trying to talk you out of going? Because they’re wrong and I’m right… and because maybe by speaking with our ticket purchasing power we can nip this thing in the bud before devolves into yet another lame-duck franchise. Just call me Dr. Evil. I’m a little black rain cloud here to rain on Bond's parade. Quantum of Solace isn’t worth your time. Save it for a rental, or avoid all together. Here’s why:

It’s Called Quantum Of Solace
If you think the title is awful out of context, just wait till you have a context to put it in. It only gets worse. See Quantum is the name of the incredibly lame secret organization which James Bond is sort of half fighting in this movie for confusing reasons. And the solace part is in the title because see, James Bond is sad. He’s sad on the inside. I bet when you’re not looking, he stops pretending to be a Vulcan and goes off somewhere to have a good cry. Wouldn’t you have been happier not knowing that?

Nothing New Here. Move Along.
Say what you want about Casino Royale, but at least it brought something new to the table. I mean, Pierce Brosnan and Sean Connery never had the balls to sit in a chair and let someone punch them in, well, the balls. Quantum of Solace however, offers nothing new. It simply continues some of what went on in Casino Royale, with more intense staring and a lot less flair. In fact, if you’ve seen The Bourne Ultimatum then you’ve seen most of the best parts of this movie already. Some of the action scenes are quite literally shot for shot remakes of stuff already done by Matt Damon.

This Movie Is Neither Stirred Nor Shaken
Actually, there is one new thing here. Unfortunately it’s a negative. All those cool little Bond things which everyone loves about this franchise are gone. Completely. He never asks for a martini, he never introduces himself as Bond, James Bond. Gadgets? Basically nonexistent. Wry sense of humor? The occasional sexual innuendo? Gone. Fun? Missing in action.

Olga Kurylenko
She’s that girl from every bad videogame movie, and her hotness has long since been drained by her numerous appearances in shit. She’s back playing the babe of the moment of yet another silent assassin. It’s tired. This is her third time playing this same part in a mere 2 years. Second time in just a month. You’ve got to be sick of her by now. Is it possible to impeach an actress? Her time has come. If you must watch Olga, she’s way nakeder and sluttier in Hitman. If you want to watch her in a bad movie, grab that one on DVD, where you can fast forward to the good parts.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is Still In Theaters
The best reason to avoid Quantum of Solace is because you can do better. Zack and Miri Make a Porno is still in theaters and though it did surprisingly well in its second week of release, it still hasn’t been seen by most of you. You could be watching a Kevin Smith movie. You could be supporting something good, instead of yet another overblown, overrated blockbuster which will be just as mediocre if you wait a few months and download it for a fraction of the cost on iTunes. Quantum of Solace doesn’t need your ticket money. Zack and Miri does.

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