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The Rotten Watch continues to steamroll its way through the box office and the Tomatometer and whatever the hell else gets in its way. We’ve been on a predicting tear and there’s no sign it's slowing down. This week vampires are back (ughh, again) and penguins get happy.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1
I have a sneaking suspicion a decade from now, there will exist a well-populated, pathologically lying group of people (women mostly) fervently claiming they never liked the Twilight series. This phenomenon will mirror how now, many middle-aged or early twenty-something women eschew the idea they ever followed New Kids on the Block or N Sync respectively, because to do so would admit they had significantly insufficient intellect and taste at a younger age. ** Because there is no possible way this series stands up over the test of time. Hell, Lautner and Pattinson’s acting doesn’t even stand up now.
*To say nothing of those twenty somethings and middle aged people who actually like Twilight now. For those folks, there is no hope.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad. Hell, anything that makes half a billion in box office must strike a bunch of chords somewhere. Kristen Stewart will do more and more legitimate work. And its rabid fanbase, as presently constituted, has no problem standing up for what they love when some idiot writer questions the story.
But when we get past the brooding angst-filled glances, decidedly mediocre acting from the leads, flimsy “love story” aspect, and vampire-saturated media market, the Twilight movies are average, to below average and Breaking Dawn is shaping up as par for the pasty course.
Even the addition of director Bill Condon (Dreamgirls-78% Kinsey-90%) probably can’t save this flick from a critical perspective. Early reviews don’t love it, late additions to franchises don’t tend to vastly outpace their predecessors (New Moon 27%, Twilight and Eclipse-49%) and this thing wasn’t great to begin with. The Rotten watch for The Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn-Part I is 29%.
Happy Feet Two
Look, I’m not going to do what you think I’m going to do and wax sarcastic about a cute penguin-centric movie based on the idea that an environmentally threatened species actually just sits in up there in the Antarctic dancing their asses off and looking cute as hell in animated form. Not going to do it. Not going to be that guy.
Animated movies are what they are, and they’re not for this guy. No intrigue. Usually flimsy plots. Kiddie jokes. Famous people cashing easy paychecks. Really nothing to make fun of. What fun is that? Throw in a little not-so-controversial global warming and a flick with the word “Happy” in it. Man what are these people doing to me?
Director George Miller ( Happy Feet-74%) reprises his tuxedo wearing, flightless Spheniscidae story of Mumbles the “special” little guy whose son is going through the reverse dancing issues of the father (can’t dance, daddy couldn’t get enough of it). A little birdie (a real one, not a stupid one that can’t fly) let me on that the sequel might not be up to the original. They rarely are. The Rotten Watch for Happy Feet is 59%.
Recapping last week:
Does anyone want me to come their places of business and do a seminar about being awesome at predicting Rotten Tomatoes scores? Talk to your bosses and then forward them the links to my articles. Because when they read, they’ll see a dude who is just on fire as of late. Last week, looked like this:
Jack and Jill (Predicted: 9%, Actual: 3%)
Immortals (Predicted: 46% Actual: 38%)
J. Edgar (Predicted: 46%, Actual: 41%)
For those non-math majors, that’s three movies each within ten percent. In a couple of weeks I’ll post a recap of this year. Ooh, it’s going to look sweet.
Next week Christmas comes early, the Muppets restart the show, and Hugo Cabret hits the screen. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!
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