You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not disrobe on Christmas Eve, or assume you or your family will live to see December 26, or attempt to experience goodwill and joy on Christmas. Because Santa Claus might be coming to town.

While children equate the round, jolly sight of St. Nick’s signature red and white with unbounded happiness, adults will often skew the traditional gift-giver in very dark ways. That’s kind of what adults do, even when our childhoods were wonderful. So now that the “real” Santa Claus has come and gone, ho-ho-hopefully cleaning up his own damned cookie crumbs for once, here are eight of the worst TV Santas you could ever wake up to on Christmas morning.

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Santa Ian McShane (American Horror Story: Asylum)
When children write letters to Santa Claus, they’re generally asking a magical man in the sky for toys, games and possibly pets. No one asks a psychopathic prison rape victim to be harassed, half-drowned and then crucified on a church cross. That’s what Ian McShane’s Leigh Emerson brought to his guest stint on American Horror Story: Asylum, and he looked a frightful mess while he was doing it. I’ve already lost my Christmas spirit and it’s the first entry.

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