Some spoilers below for anyone who hasn’t yet caught up with the latest episodes of The Boys Season 5, streaming now via Amazon Prime subscription.
The lead-up to The Boys explosive series finale has been quite the deadly one, with major characters like A-Train getting killed off early on, with Firecracker and Black Noir meeting their makers in more recent episodes. off (seemingly for realsies). You know what couldn’t be more alive, though? Soldier Boy’s filthy f--king mouth, and Jensen Ackles’ ability to deliver the hilariously foul dialogue with gravelly aplomb.
At a certain point, I just had to start keeping track of Soldier Boy's most disgusting takes on life, his most extreme sexual adventures, and his troublesome fascination with referring to male genitals. His dialogue may not be quite on par with all the amazing practical effects that are every bit as disgusting, but they're still worth remembering. (A lot of these would be great for keychains and car magnets.)
Soldier Boy's Harshest Quotes Said Directly To Homelander
To be sure, some of Jensen Ackles facial expressions in scenes with Antony Starr's Homelander are worthy of capturing all on their own, so infused with judgment and superiority they are. But the words themselves do make his points more abundantly clear. Namely that he doesn't like his own son. He's barely outside the cryo-tube before he's asking his offspring about unconsented sex.
- "Did you f--k me? Is this some kinda incest thing?" - Episode 502
- "You know, all I see is a freak. A freak with a bushel of gray pubes." - Episode 503
- "Your c-ck’s as useless as your cape. What’s the point of being famous if you’re not getting your d-ck wet?" - Episode 504
I do love that Soldier Boy takes a swipe at Homelander's cape in the same breath as he insults the Supe's manhood. Most of his views are shamefully non-progressive, but he's got a point there.
Soldier Boy's Dirtiest Quotes About Homelander
Soldier Boy has as much of problem blasting Homelander behind his back as he does saying it all to his face. Which is to say, he DGAF, and also doesn't care who he's saying any of it to.
- "He is the strangest motherf--ker I’ve ever known, and I’ve had a threesome with Gary Busey. Oof." - Episode 503
- "If he’s the second coming, what does that make me? Joseph? I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history. Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-a-s virgin, and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet. F--k that." - Episode 505
- "Nobody f--ks my son but me. That came out wrong." - Episode 505
Is there a theology course out there concerned with God's baby gravy? Is that a part of the holy trinity that I just spaced out on in catechism?
That third quote is possibly the most ridiculous one of all, but Ackles sells it so cleanly and believably. Sucks that he ends up killing Misha Collins' Malchemical immediately afterward, but I guess we knew that long-awaited Supernatural reunion was going to be violent and deadly, even if it was even bloodier than I expected.
Soldier Boy's Nastiest Quotes About Celebrities From Yesteryear
Perhaps the funniest thing about Soldier Boy's entire existence is that all of his X-rated anecdotes are about celebrities who were in their primes before nearly all of the main characters were born. (Save for some like The Legend and Stan Edgar.) So his stories get reactions of both disgust and slight confusion.
- "If the virus doesn’t get you, time will. And when you’re sitting in that wheelchair, s--tting in a colostomy bag, I’ll be running the Seven, s--tting on Shari Lewis’ t-ts." - Episode 503
- "I gotta hand it to you. I haven’t f--ked that hard since I railed Shari Lewis on the balcony of Studio 54." - Episode 503
- "The last time I let a Black woman boss me around, it was Nell Carter…with a c-ck ring, and a tub of Crisco." - Episode 504
- "It was a real Guccione p-ss party." - Episode 505
- “Buddy, the Queen sat on this face. It’s a national f--king treasure.” - Episode 506
What other show on TV has referenced Nell Carter, Shari Lewis and Bob Guccione in a three-episode stretch? Maybe The Muppet Show or something, but that's probably it. Poor Lambchop.
The Best Of The Rest Of Soldier Boy's Hilariously Awful Quotes
Not that all of Soldier Boy's most immoral lines can be classified together so easily. Ackles gets to make plenty of other derogatory and debaucherous comments that make it quite clear that his rugged and unrefined personality is not an act.
- "I’m no a-s-felching Commie. You got that?!?" - Episode 502
- "So what, you you asked me up here so I could watch you swim in t-t-jizz?" - Episode 503
- "I’d rather fist myself with a handful of razors." - Episode 503
- "You seem a little out of it. Did you nut? Because usually you nut." - Episode 505
- "If there is a god, he sure as hell didn’t come out of my balls." - Episode 505
I guess it's good that he cares about Firecracker's orgasm? Or maybe not. And I guess that he cares about The Deep's potential knee pains in the following quote. Or maybe not.
- "You’re looking at me like you wanna suck my hog. So I’m asking if you would like some knee pads." - Episode 505
- "My, my. How the mighty have f--ked themselves square in the ass." - Episode 505
- "Jesus, you could get pregnant with all the eye-f--king." - Episode 505
- "Well, banning abortion would be a big problem for me, personally." - Episode 505
That last comment makes me wonder if Soldier Boy has a lot of other offspring running around out there, even if none of them are on the same level as Homelander. Maybe we'll learn more about that part of his life in Vought Uprising. But I can only pity anyone who learns late in life that he's their dad. Not that I pity Homelander. I'm not quite as grounded as The Legend.
Only two episodes left to go for The Boys, which is celebrating its series finale by bringing the episode to theaters around the country specifically outfitted for 4DX screenings, to give fans all the jolts and vibrations usually happen when Soldier Boy and Shari Lewis are together.
