American Horror Story: Coven Watch - To Hell With These Characters

By Nick Venable 2014-01-22 23:59:27 discussion comments
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American Horror Story: Coven Watch - To Hell With These Characters image
Of the two things American Horror Story knows how to do really well, blowing my mind is always the better option. On the flip side, it can also take everything that fans hold dear and toss it all into the garbage without a second thought. For people like me who spend three, four or even ten thoughts on AHS, it’s an insult when seemingly complex storylines and characters are written into oblivion solely because the writers and co-creators clearly didn’t have a better exit route whenever they conceived the central storyline. There have been many moments during these three seasons when I’m reminded how strong anthology series like The Twilight Zone are, utilizing single episodes to tell stories with clear beginnings, middles and ends, and “Go to Hell” was 65 minutes of proof why bigger is not always better. Yes, I’m counting commercials.

Let’s see: the only three characters that actually made this season truly enjoyable on a week to week basis – Fiona, Laveau and LaLaurie – all managed to meet their makers this week in the most bullshitty of ways. And now we only have one episode left, and it’s full of Zoe, Madison, Kyle and the final reveal of a Supreme whose leadership we won’t even get to witness, since it’s the final episode. Who. Gives. A. Fuck. I sincerely hope the next episode is just ten minutes of narrative with the rest just a performance from Stevie Nicks. Even if the writers somehow renege everything and bring this unholy trinity back for next week, that won’t wash the shit stain off of this episode. I hated this episode, guys. Can you tell?

The episode started out interesting enough, with the silent film aesthetic cluing viewers in on the seven wonders/powers that the Supreme is supposed to be capable of. But of course that was just for show and only served to let us know about a couple of other powers that haven’t been seen yet, mainly transmutation and out of body experiences. Those of course make their way into the episode in the most careless of ways, including Madison doing it and then immediately saying, “Hey, I transmutated.” As much as I hate Madison, she did look pretty awesome wearing that uncomfortable looking outfit that looked straight out of Nan’s closet. And by awesome I mean awful.

There’s a good chance Cordelia’s eyes don’t look anything like the sockets of someone who’d recently stabbed them, but they were still grisly enough to make her presence bearable. But it’s pretty ludicrous that she just happened to pick up an all new power, just because Fiona told her that powers are always there. And it essentially added up to nothing, as her future visions won’t be coming true now that Fiona is dead. Or will they? Honestly, I don’t care. I just want to see Madison get her throat slit again and I’ll call it a victory.

The hell referred to in the title isn’t filled with fire and brimstone, but if rather a more personally directed sense of the afterlife courtesy of Papa Legba. Queenie hated working in a fried chicken joint, so that’s her damnation. LaLaurie apparently thought being caged up with her daughters was the worst possible fate, and so there she is. And Laveau, whom I would have sworn enjoyed making LaLaurie pay for her racist sins, is tasked with torturing the LaLaurie family. Does this make any sense? I’m not even sure why Laveau is even in the afterlife now, as she was seen earlier in the episode being cut up by LaLaurie. Is she “dead” now? Apparently it’s impossible only until the writers have nothing else to do with her.

So yeah, Fiona is dead at the hands of her Axeman lover, just a few days after he used his weapon to save her life. As awful as this event was in the first place, the timing was pretty awesome, as she was just about to begin a story about getting a calico cat when she gets a huge hole chopped in her back. And then Axeman gets stabbed about a billion times by everyone in the Coven. It all still feels really, really pointless.

If I give this episode credit for anything, it’s bringing Misty back to throw Madison into one of the house’s pillars. That, without a doubt, was the most enjoyable scene of the episode, because at least I could watch it without thinking about everything that didn’t make any sense.

We get to find out who the Supreme is next week, and I have no predictions about who it will or won’t be because it really doesn’t matter. But still, wouldn’t Fiona’s death have immediately bestowed a shitload of power to whomever the Supreme is, making it clearly obvious? Did they forget about that? Do they care? You have disappointed me, AHS, even more than Dylan McDermott. Until next week…

Things Stirring in the Cauldron

I rather like the way Papa Legba says “twash.”

“A dog returns to its vomit.”

I rather like the idea that all of those people in the chicken place were experiencing a hell of only smelling fried chicken without eating it.

LaLaurie wouldn’t make any money from her boring ass tour.

“A man shouldn’t be disturbed when he’s playing with his instrument.”

Why was that guy so possessive about that tree? They should have let him die. Fuck that guy. That’s my tree anyway. GET AWAY FROM MY TREE!

“What you’re doing is a crime against humanity!” No, no it isn’t.

“Even I can’t bring somebody back once they’re gator shit.” I missed Misty.

Paula Deen reference FTW.

Cordelia calls Axeman a halfway-decent musician in a $12 suit. Does she think that this is back in the time whenever Axeman first existed? I might own as many as two suits if they only cost $12.
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