I just finished watching the third episode of ‘Top Chef Miami’, and honestly, I was rather underwhelmed. Mediocrity seemed to be a pervading theme, as most of the chefs took the easy way out on almost everything. There was very little originality and even less seemingly tasty dishes. I’m not asking for that hour of my life back; I’m just a little disenchanted at the lack of effort. I wasn’t even tempted to eat once. That’s never a good sign.

As usual, the Quickfire challenge was comical and outrageous. Celebrity chef Alfred Portale of Gotham Bar and Grill was introduced, and he laid out the details of the 30 minute obstacle. Each cook would receive 30 seconds to fish as much chonk and other assorted seafood out of a tank. They would then receive the standard 30 minutes to prepare a dish. Sadly, everyone decided to prepare food, rather than using the chonk shell to make dated “Lord Of The Flies” references. In the end, Brian came out on top, securing immunity and a small ego boost.

After their long day of slaving, the judges decided to kick off their shoes and prance around in the hot tub. All I can say is damn. There is some hot women this season. Outside of Candice from season 1, this year definitely has the most eye candy. Enough about beautiful women, though. Let’s get back to food.

This week’s Elimination challenge forced each chef to pick an American comfort food classic and reinvent it, making it low on cholesterol in the process. Ship it to Andrea. Wait, she was on season 1. Nevermind. The chefs were given 75 dollars and some time to shop, but none of them seemed to have any groundbreaking or even semi-interesting ideas. They all just took a literal interpretation, and the results really suffered. This led to a nearly unprecedented top 2.

I actually briefly thought that Tom Colicchio may not even declare a winner this week; however, Howie’s food was just too impressive to withhold acclaim. His pork chops grabbed the crown while Dale heated up some boxed mashed potatoes to grab second. As a result of the pervading disappointment, the bottom 3 was expanded to an unprecedented bottom 5 which even included Brian and his immunity.

This is why I love ‘Top Chef.’ Despite the fact that Brian could not be eliminated, he was summoned so Tom Colicchio could tear him a new asshole for using lobster in his low cholesterol dish. After listening to the judges’ verbal tirade, Brian was dismissed, and Micah was asked to pack her knives. Sadly, she got her panties in a bunch and lied through her teeth about being glad that she was leaving. Am I the only one that is sick of this bullshit? If you didn’t want to be on ‘Top Chef’, then why the hell did you make an audition tape? Ohhh, that’s right: you did want to be on the show. You’re just to pathetic and immature to admit that you’re upset about leaving. I hate you.

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