Poor Brian Austin Green. Sure, some would envy him for his regular carnal access to Megan Fox, but clearly he's put all his karmic eggs in that basket, because the career...she is not so good. In spite of my initial urge to make constant 90210 digs, he won me over as Derek Reese, brother of Kyle, on the short-lived Sarah Connor Chronicles. But from there his resume has read like something by Dante, descending to Smallville and then to...shudder...Desperate Housewives. But hey, at least he's got his movie career to count on, am I right?

For instance, we have his starring role in Cross, a movie whose press release touts the bold slogan: "To stop an ancient evil, it's gonna to take big guns, hard sticks and exploding balls." The subtlety and nuance continues in the unforgettable (there's a word that can go either way...) trailer embedded below.

Brian Austin Green stars as Cross, a crime-fighting vigilante powered by an ancient Celtic cross that looks like it's made of the same material as Ring Pops. When girls begin disappearing throughout Los Angeles, Cross must use his delicious magical talisman to save the day and defeat an immortal Viking (Vinnie Jones) who for some reason speaks in a cockney accent before he can destroy the world. Thankfully, Cross will have the assistance of his team of highly trained experts...and I simply can't bring myself to spoil their introductions before you watch the trailer. Suffice to say, those also along for the ride include Michael Clarke Duncan, Jake Busey, and an apparently sober Tom Sizemore.

If Cross has any openings on his team, maybe he can enlist Eric Balfour, Professional Jet Ski Grenadier. Cross is out on DVD May 31st from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment.

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